Autowalking.

I had a trusted colleague ask me today why I’ve stayed in a particularly unbearable situation for as long as I have. The question was not critical or assumptive. It was plainly asked with an air of naked curiosity. “Oh, I don’t know,” I replied, “I think I just always thought I didn’t deserve better.” I didn’t couch my response or overthink. The question was asked with respect and kindness and I believed it deserved a candid reply. My words were not a product of self-pity and I was not surprised as they tripped off my lips. Similarly, if you’ve been around here for a minute, you are likely not blown away by my answer.

“I do now though,” I quickly added.

This felt good. This felt like an acknowledgment of a wrong that was being made right. I was broken, cracked, but I had an awareness of this state of being and now, I’m in my post-improvement phase.

My colleague accepted this add-on with a nod and we continued our chatter.

And then, later in the conversation, he asked me a question about my capabilities and I shared that I was uncertain of my reach, my effectiveness. “Oh,” he said, “I guess you’re still working on that, huh?”

Fuck.

I didn’t answer for a moment. I was trying to come up with a clever reply. Something witty and only mildly self-deprecating. You know, like “two steps forward…” Except that I couldn’t. My brain was too busy with potential retorts and also, thoughts of being completely full of shit.

I could have responded with some level of aggression- explained that self-work is an ever-evolving process and iterative and also, not linear and also, complicated. I didn’t though, because he’s one of those humans who gets it. He knows. And his commentary was not intended to embarrass me or make me feel bad. I am certain of that fact. Rather, he was pointing to my value. He was gently highlighting a point that is a critical part of growth.

If we intend to reach our full potential as humans, we have to understand that is not a fixed point. There is no real finish line that we arrive at where we bust through a shiny ribbon and collect our medal. There are milestones, sure. There are accomplishments, absolutely. But there is no moment where we reach the end of a thing. Where we can look in the mirror and say, great, I’m done now. I can stay just like this for the rest of time.

And it’s not just because there are endless new challenges to work on as a human. Nope. Even if we are faced with the same challenge, the same issue- it morphs. It changes, as we change.

Let’s look at something simple to start. Smoking. Let’s say I’m a smoker (I’m not) and I want to quit. I quit smoking and tell myself that’s it. For life. I never have to deal with this again. A requisite period of time has passed and I haven’t touched a cigarette and I feel as though I can cross that particular vice off my list. Sure. But also, not.

What if a relationship ends or a big work project presents out of nowhere? What if someone moves in next door and they are a smoker and like to smoke on their front patio? What if situations emerge that challenge the quitting paradigm? Do the same coping strategies serve? Maybe. Maybe not.

The same holds true for emotional challenges. We have found our reason, our approach, our rebuttals, our routine. And then, there is a variable that throws everything on its head. Suddenly things are uncertain. Suddenly we are groping in the dark for a way back. This is the real reason why change and growth are so uncomfortable, because they’re ever-changing. We have to constantly evolve- consistently move, within a moving structure. It’s like walking backwards on one of those moving walkways sometimes. You know you’re going to get to the non-moving bit eventually, it just takes longer.

I can feel like I’ve achieved a certain level of acumen and can speak intelligently to a thing. I can settle into an understanding of the mastery of something. And then, someone new enters the equation, or something unforeseen occurs, and suddenly, I’m questioning everything. Suddenly I’ve lost my footing and I’m not sure how to get back to solid ground.

That’s the point that no one really talks about because it’s the mess. Change is, in many ways, circumstantial. It’s contextual. It’s a living breathing thing that makes sense and then, it doesn’t. It feels us and fuels us and also, frustrates and tires us.

Very rarely do we look back and think that we used to be somewhere and we’ve thankfully moved to a space quite beyond it. I mean, we do, but not without considering the possibilities. Backsliding. Retracting. Reverting.

Most of the absolute statements we make, I’ve made, have more to do with the desire to have achieved a thing than the reality of it. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve made significant progress in my life, but it’s not without oh shit moments. It’s not without facing my demons over and over and over again.

Sadly, most people use this very paradigm as a rationale for staying put, for avoiding change. Why bother, they think, when there’s always the lurking possibility that it won’t stick? Well, because there’s a chance that it will for long enough to be effectual, to be meaningful, to be magical. And the moments where we find ourselves back where we started are different. Sometimes they are shorter lived. Sometimes they are less painful. Sometimes they are serving a higher purpose. Either way, they are almost always different in some fashion.

Do I still suffer from imposter syndrome? I do. Does it look like it did before? It doesn’t. Does it resemble my beginning sometimes? Sure. Do I let that stop me from staring it in the face and telling it to fuck off and moving through it? You bet I don’t.

Start. Accomplish. Fail. Start again.

And again.

And again.

X

L.