Unplugging.

I think we talk a lot about disconnecting. This idea that it’s our connection that promotes and sustains our anxiety. If only we weren’t so connected all the time, we might be able to make space for our breath. We might be able to bring down our blood pressure and smile more and cry less. If. Only.

I’ll admit that I find this notion entirely confusing. It makes so little sense to me in all the ways in which these things ought to make sense.

Fundamentally, I understand that demands on our time and energy create the kind of difficulties that instill in us the desire to escape. I can tell you that the feeling I get as I watch emails pile in, one after the other, is the purest form of stress I know. 

But is that what we are calling connection?

Is it the relentless pull of social media and all its ills? Comparison that tells us we aren’t good enough, can’t be, won’t be, unless we get that thing and do that thing and change that thing. Is it that? Is it the emails and also, socials?

What about the news? Twenty-six year olds gunning down CEOs, and wannabe politicians (aka narcissistic executives) pointing to the sense in White supremacy, and school children in fear of their lives. Food poverty and desperation and violence and hopelessness. Is that the thing from which we ought to disconnect? 

Perhaps it’s just the pace of life we need to separate from? The space where we have to wake earlier and stay up later and fill the in between with relentless activity and accomplishment. We have to do, and be better, and win and succeed. Don’t forget to endlessly grow and learn and self-reflect. Nothing is just a thing or an experience. It must be a place where we emerge anew, having realized something about ourselves and our contributions. What about that?

Merriam-Webster tells us that disconnecting is as we imagine it to be- the severance of a connection. 

Can we only live joyfully and wholly if we sever? What if we just made better choices? What if the act of connection did not rely upon an eventual disconnection, but rather, a metamorphosis? What if we were selective in our connection? What if we only permitted connection that was by design and not by default? What if we saw all connection as a space to cultivate, rather than suffer?

I don’t have to journey to a place without cellular service or wifi. Instead, I choose how my heart and soul respond to the messages. I understand that people don’t mean to place urgency where it doesn’t belong, but they don’t understand scale or appropriateness or impact. And thus, it’s for us to determine how we shape our responses. That response doesn’t require severance- it only requires a pause and thoughtful consideration and maybe, the willingness to be slightly less than perfect and available.

Can we distance ourself from the toxicity of social media while still engaging? Can we choose to follow accounts and humans and companies that resonate? Can we accept that envy is incredibly human and rather than self-flagellate, we can avoid that which triggers us and challenges our self-worth? Do we have to follow accounts where we endlessly question our abilities and contributions and appearance and physicality and worth? We don’t need to sever. We need to be honest, and also, kind to ourselves.

Do we have to stop watching the news altogether? Exist in a space of ignorance? Perhaps. Yes. Or maybe we choose to control what we absorb. We take in less and also, when we know we are vibing a certain way- emotionally and hormonally, we make choices that serves how we feel, not how we wish to feel. We can read a headline or two, listen to a five minute podcast, or only pay attention to accounts that share information in the way that is palatable. We don’t necessarily need full separation and blindness. We need portion control.

And life? Oh. Wow. I can’t advocate for a separation, a severance from life. It’s too beautiful. Too rich. Too everything. Sometimes we may need to slow down. Say no (thank you). Ask for help. Decide to go, to do, next time. Know that FOMO is contrived and everything happens as it should. Whatever piece of the pie you get, you choose, can be savored. It doesn’t need to be the biggest. You don’t need every flavor. You need a bite size that works for you. A taste. 

You can disconnect from life. That is the absolute truth. If you can’t find your way to peace through selection, you can cut the cord altogether. But I would implore you to not give up the challenge altogether. Don’t just relinquish your power and decide it’s all or nothing. Know that there is a space in between where you learn to modulate and moderate and select and choose. You can say no, and less, and more and later.

You can be tidy and careful with your heart and also, keep it sloppy and open and wide and willing. There are so many nuances, so much gray to be found. There is no reason to subscribe to one way, one path, one notion- particularly one that results in severance, in disconnection. 

I think we often think that things must be one way or the other. The opposite of a thing is the only way to go forward. I would suggest that there is somewhere deeply in the middle that is accessible to you, through your choices. But first must come your authenticity. First you must choose what feels safe for you. First you must accept that change is inevitable, including what feels good at any given time. You can shift and that’s not fake. It’s the realest part of being human. The opposite can be easy, but with that choice comes missed opportunity.

With that choice, the choice to sever, comes missed chances to love big but also, a little smaller. To take risks, but consider the consequences. To be big and also, comfortable.

You can disconnect if you need to, but when you’re ready, connect again. And make it meaningful. Make it your choice. Make it your very personal journey.

X

L.