I hear the phrase holding space a lot these days. I do. It’s literally everywhere I look. Now, I’ll admit that this might have something to do with algorithms or whatever the interwebs do these days to connect our words and our Google searches and our deepest desires. I’m sure that’s part of it, but it’s not all of it. Not by a long shot. I think holding space is having a moment.
Now, I find this totally appropriate and also ironic giving the state of the world. Maybe I should say the state of the United States, but I know that the toxicity is further reaching. There is so much hatred and distrust and there are so many issues to contend with, everywhere. It feels like no one is holding space for anyone.
Actually, maybe we need to define what holding space before we delve into what all of this actually means. For me, holding space means being present with and for another individual. It means allowing them to express themselves, fully, without judgment or imposition or interruption. It means being empathetic and sympathetic and compassionate.
Holding space does not mean that we need to agree with another person or even “approve” of them and their behavior. It simply means that we leave room for them to be whatever they need to be and say whatever they need to say in a moment. It’s creating an environment that’s safe and even, gentle.
Right, so it seems like a weird point in history to be focusing on holding space. It seems like we are at this juncture where everyone, no matter their side of things, no matter their view, isn’t leaving a lot of room for other’s opinions and feelings and thoughts and desires.
I know that when I start to paint this picture, you may be thinking of hostile interactions that you’ve witnessed lately. Online chats where people get vile and contentious. In-person interactions that quickly turn high octane and angry and ugly. But if I’m honest, what occurs to me more than anything, what I believe to be the more insidious interactions, are those where people aren’t overtly disrespectful or spicy. Oh no. I’m thinking of those conversations where people gently speak over each other. I’m talking about the posted comments that seem to fail to acknowledge. They sail above the actual content to push another agenda, one that’s not present, or relatively insignificant.
It’s the way in which people are thinking about what they want to say while other people are speaking, or how they routinely put themselves in another person’s headspace without REALLY knowing what that person is thinking (or feeling). It’s the total disconnect of the heart from the head and also, the body.
Anyway, I started thinking about all of this and then I realized something pretty pivotal. Major. How do humans know how to hold space for others when they don’t even know how to hold space for themselves? If we don’t respect our own feelings, is it possible that we will be respectful of someone else’s feelings? I know we think that we can somehow exist in both of those spheres, but I would argue that we cannot.
Well, not argue. Respectfully disagree, maybe. I’ll hold space for a different point of view, of course.
Sorry, I couldn’t help myself.
Anyway, I’m thinking right now of a parent who decides that they can’t be hard on their children. They hold themselves to blame for their child’s behavior and thus, they have a hard time being what they would characterize as critical. And maybe that sounds great. Isn’t that space? No. I’ll start with the parent.
All of that stems from a place where the parent is holding themselves to a standard of perfection. They have a sense of what a perfect parent looks like and also, maybe a perfect human and also, all the other things. They spend so much time crunching and scrunching themselves into a teeny box that there is no room left for anything other than the imaginary perceptions of the judgmental universe.
Space for a kid doesn’t look like permitting everything all the time. It doesn’t look like a space that has no boundaries and zero accountability. That’s actually a place of loneliness and a lack of self-regulation, but certainly, not a place of feedback that is supportive of growth and development.
Maybe that one is a little too out there.
Let’s try this…
If I hate the way that I look when I look in the mirror, is it possible that I can hold space for someone who objectively does not perfectly fit the beauty standards? Isn’t it more likely that I have an intolerance for others and when I contemplate this behavior, I can’t even see things clearly? Of course I don’t judge others’ appearances, and yet, I do. Because I feel the universe judging every bit of me, so how could I not do the same. I know we love to imagine that the person who has insecurities goes out into the world and sees the beauty of others because of their own struggles, but I’ve rarely found that to be the case.
And in what may be the purest form of irony, when people who struggle in this way leave space for others, it’s usually others who leave no space in return. In other words, they attract toxic individuals who have little to no tolerance for them and for others. Ugly feelings attract ugly feelings.
It’s not just the feelings we have about ourselves or the way in which we navigate in the world. That’s not the only issue. It’s also that we have so many fears. I think. I think that we imagine leaving space and then that space being filled in all the ways we wouldn’t want it to be filled. With someone else’s perspective and feelings and thoughts. We don’t have security when it comes to our shape in the world and therefore, we imagine being susceptible to absorbing the shapes and sizes and forms of others.
That’s not how it works, though. Not in my opinion. Not in my experience, I should say. When we leave space, there is space. That space doesn’t belong to anyone. It’s space. It’s open. No one has to fill it. It’s just room where everyone can kind of vibe and be respectful and figure out who they are and move around feeling safe and happy and chill. That sounds pretty great, no?
X
L.
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