I recently ended a friendship. Actually, I think it’s more accurate to say that I accepted the end of a friendship. I made peace with it, but only in the way that you try and reconcile a thing that you know is immovable.
I think made peace with it is the most accurate description I can use, because it’s not tormenting me. I’m just sad. My heart is just a little tender. I stopped drumming the thoughts around in my head like an unbalanced washing machine. I’m no longer harboring a burning desire to reach out and ask why or how or when? I’m just in a place where I understand that there was once a friendship and maybe it was real and maybe it wasn’t and then at some point, things fell apart or, I finally saw them for what they’ve always been.
I’m not sure I’m able to tell you which of those things it is. Mostly because there are two people involved and I’m only one of them. And I’ve made this pledge that I won’t insert myself in other people’s heads anymore, as that is an entirely fruitless exercise.
So, I don’t really know how he felt or how he feels or what any of it means. I only know that I finally acknowledged that my needs weren’t being met and it was time for me to do something about it.
I’ve talked about this before, but in so many ways, that’s one of the scariest things that we can do. It’s one thing to explore what we need- what makes us happy or sad or something in between. It’s another exercise altogether to start to shift things to create alignment. Matching who we share our lives with and what we do with who we are and what we need.
Often, we just settle into what life presents us with because it’s convenient. We work with people, or run into people, or have mutual connections, or they are family, and it seems unfathomable to break a tie. It’s even worse when there is history, or longevity. Not because there is something transcendent that has happened over time. Oh no. Just because when something has been around, it’s hard to imagine it not being around. It’s truly that simple. Or at least it seems to be that way for me.
There’s that old saying or axiom where you are supposed to weigh the good vibes against the bad, and yet, I feel like so few of us actually do that. I suppose it’s fear based- the unwillingness to dive in. We think or even know that we are going to potentially have to make some changes at the end of that exercise, so it’s just easier to avoid it altogether. Amiright?
I don’t want to make assumptions, so I’ll just say that it’s been the case where I am concerned. It’s easier to live in a sort of unhappy ignorant bliss. I know that I’m not thrilled with a particular situation, but that feels easier than the slog of moving into a direction that’s more palatable.
The move can be challenging and lonely, and who wants that?
I know that this sounds like the same theme I’ve touched on a million times, and maybe you are eye rolling at this moment and tempted to jump to another piece of writing.
It’s just that this time it was different for me, because I was able to precisely pinpoint the thing that was making me unhappy.
I know myself to be the initiator in some of my relationships. Many, actually. I initiate and I plan. I don’t initiate apropos of nothing. Typically, there is a sort of back and forth with a friend or perhaps, it’s just they are someone that I know will never initiate and so, it motivates me. Either way, those responsibilities don’t bother me in the slightest. Truly.
Even when the other person never initiates, I’m still okay. Over my forty-four years, I’ve come to learn that this is just some people’s make up. They aren’t initiators. And for the most part, it has nothing at all to do with me. It’s how they are with everyone in their lives. And that’s generally okay.
Here are the issues I have:
- When I realize that they actually do initiate with others, and just won’t with me, no matter the circumstances
- When I realize that an infinite amount of time can go by and they are unfazed by the fact that we haven’t connected (seemingly so, as I don’t know, but the signs are all there)
- When I realize that the initiate, but it’s only when there are no other viable options for them (the option of last resort)
In many ways, it’s about energy. How much energy am I expending and how much are they expending and is there a match on any level, or is every single thing out of whack? If there is some crazy town mismatch, it makes sense for me to ask myself what I’m actually doing. Why am I expending a staggering amount of energy to stay connected to someone who can let go at the blink of an eye? How does that work?
Why do I want to be anyone’s second choice or last choice?
To be clear, this isn’t about plans falling apart and someone owning the fact that they had something else going on, and then they didn’t, and they want to connect since they have the time available, suddenly. This is when someone tells you that they’ll let you know about plans and deep in your gut, you understand that the wait and see is less about the need to check the calendar and more so about that person making sure that there isn’t a better option, first.
I also want to differentiate (even though I have historically) between a friend reaching out or being needy during a challenging time and someone who is clearly a user. You’ll just know- trust your gut.
All of this is pretty awful. What do I mean by that? Well, there’s a huge ego hit that occurs in these situations. It’s terrible to look at a human who you care about and have been connected to and tell yourself that the relationship no longer serves you, and maybe (ugh), never did. Brutal.
Here’s the thing though: once you are on the other side of it, the heart ache and neediness and sorrow, you will start to feel better. It’s tough and also, freeing.
And like anything else in life, it gets easier each time. Truly. You eventually get the hang of it. That doesn’t mean you don’t feel anything. It just means that the letting go becomes less dramatic and more manageable. Don’t know about you, but that seems pretty great. No?
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L.
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