I had a real doozy of a day yesterday. Generally speaking, but also, with great specificity. I had a work call that really spun me around. The good news is that it didn’t tank me as it might have in the past.
Truthfully, I really want to tell you about the conversation that I had after the conference call, but we have to get there first. To set the mood, I was really steamed up. I mean, I was in a proper lather. I had just been subjected to a whole host of bullshit, the least of which was mansplaining, condescension, disrespect, and rudeness.
The participants on the call didn’t pay any mind to, or perhaps didn’t even take the time to know, my experience, the history, or my general dedication to the issue at hand. There was so much said that absolutely floored me. To the point were moments where I spoke and there were other moments where I was just frozen. I wasn’t immobilized per se, but there was some part of my body that was, I think, waiting to feel better. Waiting for it to get better. Waiting for them to stop speaking to me like a brainless second-class citizen.
Anyway, I get off this call and I tell a friend of mine about the call. Immediately. I feel absolutely gutted and I need to share this with someone before it eats my insides. And you know what happened? I was cautioned. Sure, they may have been doing that to me, these men, but still, I should be careful.
And why?
Sure, everyone is expendable, and I know that, but I have long tenure and a proven track record and generally speaking, people know the ways in which I contribute.
But those facts don’t even enter the equation. Do you want to know why? Because it’s really just because they are men and I am a woman.
Yes, I’m aware I’ve discussed this same topic before and perhaps you are like ‘sos’ but stick with me for a moment.
This was the first time that while I questioned myself for a moment, it was only a brief moment. Mostly, I stayed in an absolute lather. Mostly, I allowed myself to remain in a place where I contemplated the injustice of it all. Where I really considered how fucking abysmally rude these men were and cared less about the consequences of me standing up for myself.
I want to share the one part of the original call that literally tipped me right over the edge because that’s where I’m really going with all of this. One of the men suggested that another man on the call write talking points for me for a conversation I was tasked with having in connection with the subject matter. Talking points. They thought that after over fifteen years of having the types of conversations we were contemplating; I needed a script. I needed someone to tell me what I should say and then also, maybe how I should say it.
I want to be very clear that I am not in any way adverse to receiving advice. To the contrary, there have been many moments in my professional career and personal life where I’ve looked to subject matter experts to explore the boundaries of my words or the technical points that should be incorporated or the legal aspects that should be considered. I’ve grown immensely because of that guidance and advice.
That’s not what this was- in any way. We were just chatting and my colleague suggested that I needed someone to dictate the way in which I communicated with an outside party, after begrudgingly agreeing that I could be trusted to outreach the party.
The sheer arrogance just absolutely blew me away. But it’s more than just egoism. Right? The comfort he felt in treading into that territory was less about his high opinion of himself and much more about the world we live in and the way people are raised and nurtured. Comfort in presumption.
That wasn’t the worst part though, because in many ways, I’ve grown accustomed to such behavior. I expect it. Not from everyone but certainly from some people. The part that really tweaked me is when I called that friend to describe what I had just been subject to and when I finished my story by sharing that I was going to do something about it, I could hear her sigh on the other end of the phone. She sighed. And then, as I shared above, she told me to be careful.
I don’t blame her. This is not about anger that I manifested in connection with a friend telling me to tread lightly. This is me fully understanding that my friend had also been subject to such treatment in her life and career, and thus, she understands that the stakes can be high when you navigate these situations. Furthermore, she knows that sometimes, when you advocate on your own behalf, you end up more gravely wounded in the process.
And man, I truly fucking hate that.
Do I expect that to go away over night? No. Absolutely not. I wish I could waive a wand and make it go away, but that’s not the reality of a thing. At all. Rather, progress is slow and sometimes, tedious. And there are many times when things must move in reverse before they get better.
I guess what I’m saying is that everyone can get on their high horses with all the ways in which they believe people, and in particular, women, are being hysterical right now. People can say that we are being too dramatic about everything and anticipating what will never happen and lamenting things that we don’t fully understand (because we are reading them the wrong way). And I guess what I’m saying is that this shit goes on everywhere, and has been for a long time, and there is still so much acceptance. So yeah, it’s not alarmist to say that women’s rights (and everyone else’s who isn’t a straight, white male) are in jeopardy right now. It’s not insane to make the leap that “we” (all the others) are slowly being silenced. It’s not over the top to suggest that misogynists and fear mongers have successfully recruited women and other, others, to support their anti-women (and anti-other) agenda, based on a longer history of people pleasing and self-loathing.
So yeah, I told this dude that I know how to speak and I would be just fine. I explained that I didn’t need a script because I have twenty years of experience and a brain and a humble approach that allows me to recognize when I need help and then, to ask for it. I told him to go fuck himself in the nicest, most professional way I could muster.
And I guess what I’m really saying is that we just need more of that. Not man hating bullshit. Not generalizations. Not bitterness and rage. Just good old-fashioned resistance.
All around. The kind of push back that says, I can’t stop you, but also, I’m not going anywhere anytime soon, so buckle up, buttercup.
X
L.
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