I chastise myself a lot for the ways I respond to things. I feel sort of triggered by people, and typically, a back and forth ensues and then, I just end up feeling terrible. It’s not about right or wrong. It’s just that I have feelings, and realistically, few want to really listen to me wax poetically about my feelings, and most of those individuals get defensive (a very small list, actually) and then, it always feels like a waste of time.
And I asked myself recently what it would feel like if I decided not to engage. I pondered what it would look like if I decided to take a breath and tell myself that under certain circumstances, it makes sense to process things on my own, rather than sharing that experience with the other person. Sometimes that suffocating feeling of cooping my feeling up in my chest only feels that way because I’ve convinced myself that I need a consensus to feel the way I do. I need back up. I need validation.
I feel the same way when I respond to a post online and then regret it. That’s not to say that I shouldn’t be bold and proud of my feelings. That’s not to say that I don’t want to be an upstander or an anti-racist or an ally for the many persecuted persons in our society. That’s only to say that sometimes the work is not felt or seen in the persistent fight with those who can’t see fit to listen. Sometimes the work is not done in spaces where there is no room for such things.
Sometimes the work is entirely internal. And that doesn’t mean that it’s never hard, never challenging. It just means that sometimes it’s easier to take a breath and wait. To feel all the feels and make good decisions and ride out the discomfort.
I have friends from childhood who have aligned themselves with the current political administration. Mostly because of one singular belief that they hold and also, a willingness to overlook literally everything else. I see the inaccurate, terrifying, harmful posts that they put up and have, from time to time, sent them messages clarifying the misstatements or gross lies therein. But really, nothing is served in that exchange. Sure, I am always respectful and calm, but they are so resolutely dug in that there is no meaningful exchange that follows.
Instead, what I’ve started to do is write when I see things like that, and then, lend my energy in spaces that feel more welcome, more open, more productive. Lending my voice to a cause, donating my time or resources, or even publishing something online where my words are better received. I’m not saying that it never makes sense to combat ignorance. Rather, I’m saying that those decisions should be made mindfully and not hastily.
The same applies when contemplating exchanges with people who mean something to me. Friendships, I should say. Out of the political spectrum and into straight up friendship, is what I mean. Sometimes I find myself beyond frustrated that I can’t seem to appropriately communicate what I am feeling, or at least, that’s how the person on the other end of things is making me feel. But then, I have this moment where I get to see that situation from the outside and suddenly, the pieces shift into place.
Recently, a dear friend of mine confided in me that she told the man she has been seeing that he has been making less of an effort to see her lately. She told me that he reacted badly, as she suspected he would, and it felt like a waste of time. I asked her what she had hoped to get out of the exchange. Did she want a particular response or behavior to present, or did she just want to vent? I was able to see that her significant other was defensive mostly because he didn’t feel like dealing with her feelings in that moment. To take responsibility would look like critically listening to what she had to say, responding in the same thoughtful manner and maybe, shifting his behavior. He wasn’t interested in doing so and thus, it made sense for him to just respond with objections and defenses.
When I heard her story and felt her grief, it crystallized things for me a bit. I was able to see that it might have made more sense for her to take that time and energy to decide what about the relationship was still feeding her. To that end, I asked her if she was still feeling good about her relationship, and she answered that she wasn’t really sure. I told her that she didn’t have to know, there are no rules, but maybe that would be a good place to start.
Rather than expending a staggering amount of time and energy focusing on the way in which he responds to her share, maybe she could focus on what she actually wants and needs and whether she believes that he is someone who can deliver in the end. I told her that there is no right answer. That’s not the way that it works in my opinion. It’s just an exercise in self-reflection and empowerment. Nothing about it is simple and sometimes, the result of that exercise is making some really tough decisions (that you may or may not be ready for), but it’s still a better place to be than waiting for someone to deliver in a way that they may never be capable of. Maybe this doesn’t mean ending things, but maybe it means seeing something for what it is, and filling holes elsewhere. Or maybe, it does mean saying ‘see ya.’
I always choose connection, so this has been a hard conclusion for me to arrive at. I have struggled with the notion that sometimes, it’s best to sever ties and work through the discomfort of loss, rather than endlessly circling the drain with another human. Sometimes, no matter how much we want something or someone, the healthiest place that we can be is distanced from them. And there are signs when this is the best option. There are opportunities to see clearly where communication is fraught and complicated and also, entirely unproductive.
Sometimes this means giving up. But you aren’t giving up on yourself. You’re just giving up (sometimes even temporarily) on a space where your growth is stunted, and you are treading water. You are just moving to a place where you can swim a little freer and maybe, glean some perspective, and then, come back with a renewed perspective or walk away without a care in the world.
Either way, what I’m really saying is feel free to take a step back when you need it. You don’t always need to engage or share or convince. Sometimes, the best path forward is quiet contemplation.
You feel me?
X
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 