I saw a friend last night that I haven’t seen in a while. I’m quite comfortable with how highly I regard this individual, and still, when I get to see her, it’s always the best kind of surprise. That little twinge in your belly that tells you that even with all the intentions and feelings, you forgot just how good another human is, and how special it is to be in their presence. And then, she greeted me with a hug and the sentiment that she was excited to see me, that she looked forward to it all day. As if the pleasure wasn’t mine. As if she isn’t a total ray of sunshine.
Her sunny side has little to do with her being the kind of woman who can make small talk (she can, though I wouldn’t say this is a strength of hers that I would highlight-which is not such a bad thing), and much more to do with her unmatched kindness. Also, and I recognize this may be strange to note, her pragmatism. She’s so level, so even, so practical. There’s something about it that I find entirely admirable. It’s a quality that I sorely lack, though I feel like I’m working on it.
I want to explore that sentiment for a moment. There’s something incredibly silly [sounding] about the ability to be reasonable in the face of challenge, but it’s a critical skill. It gives people a sense of belief, of comfort. They look at a response that is on the right side of relaxed and assume, rightfully so, that the person has their shit together enough to not be unraveling. Like good on you- that’s a perfect prescription level for anti-anxiety meds OR you are a super grownup, able to manage any kind of situation with calm and grace. Whatever it is- you got this girl, and you’re fucking glowing.
I’m pointing this out because it paints of picture of who she is (a little) and gives a solid understanding that what I’m about to describe can be anyone or happen to anyone.
Anyway, she told me that she had wanted to reach out to me recently regarding a matter she was dealing with, but she didn’t. She explained that she didn’t really know why she didn’t reach out, only that she decided not to. Of course, I responded with the ever lame “you should have,” realizing immediately how incredibly unhelpful that response is. Oh sure, I’ll have a side of regret along with my heaping serving of inadequacy. Thanks so much.
I asked her if she felt comfortable expanding upon what was going on and she gave me a 10,000 foot overview. Life feels challenging right now. Really challenging. It’s a little bit of everything. And on top of the everything was an unpleasant work situation that presented itself at the most inopportune time. I asked if she could share a little more about the work event, and she did. In the interest of protecting her privacy, I’m not going to share any of those details. Rather, I’m going to speak to the after of the share. She shared and I responded as follows: “it’s a bummer that as women, we so rarely feel comfortable holding onto our anger long enough to let it change something for us.”
She agreed.
I’ve spoken about women’s fear of anger before. It’s something that I tend to touch upon from time to time, because it’s a huge issue. I think there are so many reasons for this, many of which I’ve shared, but the primary issues are that we fear feeling those really big feelings (and what happens in the after) and we are terrified by the way in which those around us will judge us for our anger and then, maybe what comes after, too.
I’ve been there. I’ve been on the side of the fence where I squish down my anger as quickly as humanly possible and I’ve also been in the place where I explode and then instantly regret it. The regret bit usually turns into me apologizing, profusely. Again and again.
Sorry I got pissed off but…
Sorry but I’m having a day…
I’ve heard women use those expressions time and again. Ways to explain their response, their reaction. Ways to make nice, to be quieter, to apologize for having spicy emotions or emotions that another human can’t process. We don’t even ask or test the waters to see if someone else can process what we are looking to get out of us, we just assume they can’t. We make this assumption because we’ve been conditioned to let anger be a very temporary situation.
And honestly, I’m not suggesting that anger is something anyone should hold on to. I don’t think that anyone is best served hanging onto the feeling of being pissed off. I also think that if we can use that anger to prompt us into action, into doing something that serves us, then maybe that’s the best thing that could happen to us.
Even now, with everything that’s going on around us and with all the ways in which other humans (fellow women included) are looking to squish us and silence us and restrict us, we are still apologizing for our reactions. I’m sorry I feel angry about what’s going on, but let me explain. Why? Is an explanation really warranted?
Men don’t tend to apologize for their outbursts. I mean, sometimes they do, but they haven’t been shown or told that they have to. No one told them that the best thing they could do for everyone is tamp that shit down so they aren’t offensive. So they don’t look crazy.
And that’s just it, I think that emotion needs to be managed. I think that it needs to be acknowledged and tended to and expressed in a way that serves and doesn’t hurt, but also, I think that it needs to be allowed to breathe. I think that anger can be a warning sign that we don’t see for any other reason. I think that anger can be the way in which we decide we’ve finally had enough. I think that anger can be the way in which we decide to grow and move on and let go. I think that anger can be a very positive means to an end.
It’s not something to be afraid of. And if you are afraid of it- maybe you need practice.
Right?
x
L.
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