I think that there has been a lot of talk this year about the choices and rights of women. There’s been a lot of chatter amongst powerful rich, white men and men with less resources and men of different races and ethnicities. And then, as if the joined voices of the misaligned patriarchy were not strong and resounding enough, there have been women, again, from different backgrounds, with difference faces, who have chosen to echo this cry against the “ill chosen path of lost and forlorn women.”
Women who they claim have no idea the terrible ramifications of their so-called misguided choices or worse, are such decrepit creatures that they have been universally rejected by the “right” path and are only choosing the bramble laded path they have from a place of depravity or even, depression (though it might be helpful to remind the readers that outside of this convenient usage, depression is a state of being that’s entirely contrived and doesn’t require attention or treatment according to “them”). In other words, the choice for what they have labeled as an alternative lifestyle, was not really a choice at all, but rather, the absence of such.
I think what is largely ignored in this vastly simplistic categorization [and judgment] is the individuality of humans, women as no exception, and more pointedly (and my focus), the outstanding ripple effect caused by trauma.
It is important that I be precise with my words here, I think, because there could be something of a misunderstanding. I am not talking about the immediate responses or hasty decisions that can sometimes be made in response to a trauma. Rather, I’m talking about the long-term implications of relationships that leave us questioning who we really are and what we really want and all the ways in which we viciously compromise ourselves in relationship to and with other beings until we are or were left with next to nothing at the end of it all.
Some drug addicts have one bad experience- one trip or high gone awry, and they decide that a new direction is desperately needed. The consequence of legal issues, illness, bodily harm and other forms of destruction, warrant a shift. For others, rock bottom looks different. It looks like a catastrophic bottoming out again and again until the will to continue in the same way no longer exists. There is seemingly no other path forward but one that leads to healing.
Why am I talking about this phenomenon in particular?
I believe that there are bits of certain kinds of trauma that look a bit like addiction in this way. Some of us are able to acknowledge and recognize a situation for what it is and decide that changes must be made. Others have to repeat the cycle quite a few times before it feels like there is no other way. Of course, there is trauma that occurs when we are too young, too naïve, too unprotected, too vulnerable, and that does not leave us with a choice of self-advocacy. I am only speaking of those scenarios where an option, the option, exists. And yes, having an option is a blessing, as many do not, for a staggering number of reasons.
This is going to feel familiarly like some of the windy road tales I have told in the past, as it’s going to take me a moment to tie all of this together, but I will, bind it all. It’s just going to take a beat.
I am in Guatemala for my end of the year respite. To know me, virtually or otherwise, is to know that I feel intensely grateful to have these opportunities. This year is absolutely no exception, given the state of the world. As is often the case with me, I am here alone. As is also the case, I have used the opportunity to meet and connect with other people that I’ve met along this journey. Two individuals in particular stand out for me and in many ways, inspired this piece.
It is important that I acknowledge that I do not know these women, not really. I know of them only what they have shared with me and I recognize that as complex, interesting beings, there is so much more than those tidbits. With that in mind, I was quite pleased to be able to connect meaningfully with them and here a small part of their story. I felt comforted in the ways in which I found a tether in those stories. A thread that bound us together: the rebellious choice to live a life different than what has been peddled as the only way.
We conspired on many topics, but at the top of the list, was the toxicity of past relationships, the consequences of past decisions, and how all of that history has codified in a very different looking future than we might have once anticipated.
These are not tales of woe. These are not stories where women are lamenting the ways in which they found themselves wanting after not journeying correctly from the start. To the contrary, these are lives that have been carefully woven with experience-time spent in joy, in grief, in mourning, in ecstasy, in boredom, in anxiety. They’ve examined and crawled through and emerged, not wanting, but hopeful. They believe that they can find a way to be content. And so, the choice to remain single is not really that choice at all. Rather, it’s a choice to seek out other ways to fill spaces. It’s not the rejection of an idea, it’s the embrace of other ideas. Other notions.
Who is to say that this is less conventional? Who is to say that this is the path that should be vastly criticized, when really, it appears to just be misunderstood?
These women that I met, recognizing how little I know of them, do not seem unhappy with the choices that they’ve made. Rather, they are happy because of the choices that they made. Due to, not in spite of.
And I suppose I’m curious as to why this is a largely condemned narrative, still, at the end of 2025, and as we enter 2026. I’m perplexed as to why this is still a thing where we feel sorry for people, and believe they are deserving of compassion.
I mean, sure, most people are deserving of compassion, but not because they are not following a gender normative construct. If anything, the choice that brings forth abundance should come with it a commendation. And no, I don’t mean a meme that gives women a high five for having less wrinkles because they haven’t had children. I don’t mean that at all. I mean, a kudos for knowing themselves and in the end, choosing happiness over societal acceptance. Making that choice in the face of groups of people, of governments, that tell them that this is the choice of the unknowing and unworthy.
I celebrate anyone who makes such a choice, no matter what that looks like. And so, in that way, I suppose I can finally celebrate myself. I’m not always happy, far from it, but for the first time in a long time, I’m actively working for it, and that, feels like a win. A real, absolute win.
And so, I’m not sad or anxious about 2026.
Bring. It. On.
X
L.
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