I was speaking to two young men yesterday who have been chosen to participate in a mentorship program I’m launching. I advised them that I didn’t choose a mentor for them yet, because I wanted it to be a participatory exercise. The explanation that I provided was that the best kind of mentor experiences grow organically, not with force or any kind of deliberateness.
Sure, you can extract something meaningful out of any experience if you have the desire to do so, but to really create the kind of connection that helps you grow in ways you never imagined, it just has to happen.
There can be movement in a particular direction, but first, there has to be some identification of needs and also, wants, and then, a good heaping dose of dreams and wishes.
There were a few times in my career that I believed individuals to be mentors, only to realize that I was hopelessly mistaken. Rather, those individuals usually had some agenda that was not intertwined with my development at all. In fact, one of those individuals was actually out to use me in a way that would set me back, professionally and personally.
Neither here nor there, as I was fortunate enough to extract myself from those disastrous and counterproductive situations.
When I look at those who I had circled as hope-chest mentors, there were similarities that I could directly point at, to feel a sense of connection and like-mindedness. On some level, this was a function of ignorance and immaturity. I had gleaned my information about such things from movies that glamorized the workplace and even women’s roles in such.
I didn’t realize that when I finally found one of the most profound mentors of my professional career, it would be someone who I had very little in common with, when looking at the bullet points. A man, older than me. A father and grandfather. A lawyer. Someone who shares some of my views but is also more conservative than me in many ways. Someone whose upbringing was different than my own, in many ways.
Oh, but then, I started to understand the way in which that connection forms when you meet someone who will shape you.
A caveat is important at this time, I think. A disclaimer. I am not referring to the devastating sort of relationships that cause trauma that shapes us. Not at all. I’ve had that, and I will fully admit that I’m grown stronger as a result of those experiences, but generally, they were not the ones that I hold close to my heart. When I look back on my life and count my achievements and wins, I would not attribute them to those interactions. Rather, that engagement was the stuff of the middle. The stuff that gives you the sticky material to affix your wings, but doesn’t help you fly, at all.
Okay, so what were these things, you ask?
Work ethic, faith, and patience.
I’ve known this man for over sixteen years now, but his career has spanned well beyond that time frame. Despite only seeing a snapshot of his work life, I know he has always been one of the hardest working people I know. Dedicated. Loyal. Committed to his clients and his work product. Determined to master his trade and endlessly expand his knowledge base.
He had faith in me when few shared that sentiment. Many quickly labeled me a non-lawyer in a legal group and resigned me to something of an admin (not that there is ANYTHING wrong with being an admin, but he saw something different for me). He always kept a seat open at the table for me so that I could participate in the discussion, share my views, and learn something new. He let me risk failure by trying something completely foreign to me, knowing that I would do everything in my power to do it correctly. He supported me when I was up against a wall of dissention and disagreement, and even when he didn’t agree with me, left space for my very own point of view and feelings.
Our discourse, even when we do not agree, is civil. More than that, it’s pleasant, interesting, informative, and always makes me think. I may not migrate to his side of things at the end of our discussions, but I always see things a little differently and I feel like a better person for it.
He has exercised great patience over the years, and in turn, has taught me to do the same. I was so spicy a decade or so ago. I mean, I still am, but I readily shared my fury with anyone who would listen. I was resistant to backing down, for fear that my voice would not be heard. I saw the way he assessed a room, read the personalities, considered the timing, and chose his battles carefully. Like many of our opposite views, I can’t say that I’ve always exercised the same caution, but I’ve changed in a way that suits me and has enabled greater professional and personal growth.
No one is perfect, and what is perhaps most beautiful about this relationship is that I’ve never put this man on a pedestal. I see his strengths and weaknesses. The ways in which he has helped me grow and the few times that he’s enabled me to be held back. Our relationship is something I treasure because of its imperfect nature and perfect value.
So, I wish for these young men, and young people generally, the kind of relationship that I’ve been fortunate to nourish over these many years. It’s not always been easy, but it’s always been worth it, and for that, I’m intensely grateful. So, I’m trying to find a way to help them find their way, because what greater legacy to pass along?
Anyway, it’s my mentor’s birthday today. He hates celebrating it. Well, maybe he doesn’t hate it, but certainly doesn’t like to make a thing out of it. And while I respect him on every level, this is a place where our interests diverge. So, happiest of birthdays to you, JB.
Thank you for your kindness, your teachings, and above all, your friendship.
X
L.
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