Filed Under…

Many women I know haven’t had toe-curling kisses down the nape of their neck, but many have felt the stomach-churning sensation of unwelcome, hot, sticky breath just under their ear.

Many women I know haven’t been told that they’re breathtakingly beautiful, but many have been told that they’re fuckable.

Many women I know haven’t felt fingertips lightly trace the skin stretched over the space between their collar bones and navel, but many have felt the unsettling thrust of calloused, cuticle laden fingers inside of them.

Most women I know haven’t had someone twirl their shiny locks through pliable fingers, but many have felt the rough tug of someone trying to keep them in line with a fist wrapped around still attached epidermis.

Most women I know haven’t had someone stroke their thighs reverently, but many have felt a grip digging into their soft flesh, knowing a bruise will be left in its wake.

Many women I know haven’t been gazed at, but many have been glared at.

Many women I know haven’t had someone celebrate their intellect, but many have been told they’re stupid and clueless.

Many women I know haven’t been commended for their bravery, but most have been criticized for their bravado.

Most women I know have some stories of romance but more have stories filled with an abuse of power and the use of violence.

I’ve been subject to rage, degradation, emotional abuse, physical intimidation, belittlement, and sundry forms of harm at the hands of men.

I’ve also been celebrated, cared for, loved, promoted, and praised by men.

To condemn the acts of men who hurt women, who hurt girls, is not a radical act of feminism. Rather, it is a necessary exhibition of humanity.

I’ve used this same logic, the very exact reasoning in most of my so-called arguments.

For example, if you are a responsible gun owner and deeply appreciate the protection afforded under the Second Amendment, why on earth would you want deeply disturbed, irresponsible individuals wielding guns?

If you are a kind man, a good man, a non-violent man, who respects women, why does it serve you protecting men who seek to harm women? Do you think that there’s some long-term preservation of the sex at play, whereas you can’t give anyone up lest you risk losing it all?

What causes this divide, this vitriol-fueled, nonsensical argument, are those who peddle poison- who convince even the most level-headed to slowly imbibe Kool-Aid laced with toxin. Beware, they warn, as a hit against one is a strike against all.

And then the worst bit? The women. Those who don’t even have likeness on their side, but whose misguided loyalty throws their own sex to the wolves.

Liars, they scream.

Manipulators, they say.

Opportunists, they whisper.

Are there some of those in the group of accusers, or victims? Always. Statistically, there is support for this fact. Take twelve egg, egg cartons. Out of 100 of those bad boys, there are at least eight that contain a broken egg.

So yes, there are likely those who are looking to game the system, to get revenge, to make good out of bad. I would argue that many of those individuals are already harmed in some way and thus, a product of our intensely broken system, and still, the truth is the truth.

We shouldn’t ignore the corruption in law enforcement because there are so many members of that profession who are good and just, just like we shouldn’t condemn the lot because of the bad apples. Reform does not require destruction, and it certainly doesn’t need absolution.

We shouldn’t apply grossly ignorant statements to the transgender or immigrant population, and the freedom to be and due process advocacy does not eliminate accountability and punishment, where appropriate.

The United States has become a society of black or white, yes or no, one side or the other. We have left zero room for nuance, understanding, the gray.

It is not the average person’s job to concern themselves with precedential rhetoric. It is not the responsibility of citizens to take a situation and rather than judge it on its own accord, concern themselves only with the large-scale application and implications.

We have lost our way and it’s easy to say that the reason is largely that we have abandoned our moral core, our values. That has surely occurred with certain individuals, and I think we could easily sit down and collectively make a list (on every side of the aisle). However, I think the bigger affliction is that we’ve made our notion of the overarching thing bigger than the circumstances in front of us. We were endeavoring to see the forest for the trees, but now we’ve lost sight of the trees altogether.

We are now face to face with what was once a collective of trees making up a dense, lush forest, and is now a blur of green, a blob. There is no discerning tree from creature, and creature from earth.

We no longer see the faces of victims. We no longer hear their voices as they share their stories. We refuse to sit in their grief and take in their horror. We have lost our ability to be sensitive and empathetic and compassionate and brave. We are desensitized and relegated to discussing the harm of children as if they are faulty electronics. Someone broke them, but did they? Are they really broken or just pretending? Perhaps we just need to unplug them or get a new battery. If they are broken, then who is to blame? The maker? The transporter? The manufacturer? The buyer?

It’s disturbing, disappointing, and completely inappropriate.

Speak to women. Hear their stories. Most of us have them, and for those who do not, I am envious and deeply grateful.

For those that do, there are stories they can share, and those they’ve buried deep inside of them as some form of self-protection, self-preservation.

We ask why women take so long to come forward, why they wait- particularly when the waiting gives the appearance of deviousness, of falsification.

Because we don’t believe them.

Because we tell stories about them.

Because we let their monsters continue to roam free, even after they’ve been identified.

Because it’s not just men who tear them down, but fellow women.

Because they’ve brought their most vulnerable, harmed selves to center stage, and we’ve stripped them bare and wounded them, again. And again.

Because most women have been hurt, and many have not been healed.

Believing women when they recount stories filled with harm and tragedy and shame does not threaten our continuation, our humanity, but not believing them surely does.

X

L.