Wait…What Did I Do?

I bet you thought that the toughest part was going to be the whole apology bit. Nah. Not even close. In fact, I would be lying if I said I could identify the hardest portion of the journey from broken to healed. I would also be fibbing if I said I was at healed yet. What I do know is that whenever I ran into a situation in the last few months and thought “wow, this is definitely the worst”, things usually dipped lower. I am not saying this to encourage doom and gloom. I am sharing this point to keep things in perspective. Mostly, I feel comfortable sharing this because I know that whenever things are pretty bad, there is usually a silver lining.

The trick? You and only you create your own sparkly rays of hope.

Again, I am not trying to push some hashtag inspirational mumbo jumbo, nor am I trying to be vague and mysterious. I will gladly bestow upon all of you my little words of gentle wisdom. They may not work for you, but they worked for me. At the very least, maybe my experience will help you realize that there is some method or process [unique to you] that you can find that works for you and gets you to your place of happy (or at least on the way there).

Okay, back to the topic at hand…the tough stuff.

Before I could even get to the various stages of grief I had to wade through in order to feel even remotely like myself again (whoever that is), I needed to do two things, as follows: (i) realize, own, and accept my role in my breakup, and (ii) forgive myself. I cannot tell you which one of those tasks felt more overwhelming, but I don’t know if it really matters. I had to do both of them, and they had to happen in that order. Own and then forgive.

I want to be clear that from my seat, examining what your personal role is in your breakup does not automatically lead to you taking full blame for the demise of your relationship. Furthermore, it does not mean that you have suddenly assumed responsibility for, excused, or explained your ex-partner’s actions or treatment.

I did not make excuses or sugarcoat my story when I read it back to myself. I faced the cold hard facts so I could learn from them. Sometimes I started to explore some point in my history, our history, and it felt too raw and too hard, so I took a break and came back to it. I never abandoned the task at hand entirely; I just took a break.

I would like to share some of the revelations that I experienced so this space stays real and doesn’t morph into another useless online monologue. In no particular order, I did and felt the following: lived in constant fear of abandonment, lied about a good friend to my partner, hid from the facts of my relationship that scared me, accepted less than I really wanted and convinced myself the ‘less’ is what I had actually always wanted, and perpetually told myself when I was unhappy that I deserved it because of my weaknesses and fear.  I was complacent, permissive, willingly blind, and solicitous. I had started to lose myself and my voice in a world of uncertainty and empty promises.

In the end, these revelations did not breed self-loathing and frustration inside of me because I did not allow it. Eventually, I stopped my productive self-examination from turning into a road to guilty town, and allowed it to become a critical part of my closure. Notice how I caveated those statements will “in the end” and “eventually”? Well, I had to, because I felt plenty guilty during this process. I beat myself up and wrung my hands. This wasn’t a peaceful exercise where I sat in cute matching sweats and quietly wrote in my journal. I cried…a lot. Again, not pretty Hollywood-ish one tear rolling down a cheek crying. Sobbing, face swollen, ‘why me’ kind of crying. I got really angry and then retreated from my anger (more on that in another post). I listened to depressing music. I ate an entire box of cereal, more than once. I went for long aimless walks and had circular conversations with the people closest to me. I scrolled through social media incessantly and looked at every memento from our nearly five years together.  The worst part was the anger and disappointment I felt in myself and my actions. I somewhat consistently came back to the following statement: If only I hadn’t…. _______________, my relationship would still be intact.

Little secret? There is nothing that fills in that blank and makes that sentence work. Not now, not ever.  If I could go back in time and change anything, everything, it still wouldn’t have preserved my relationship for all of time, because it just wasn’t meant to go that way. So, I changed from that statement to the following: I did some not so great things and acted in ways I may want to take back or change, but I am not solely responsible for the demise of my relationship and no matter what, I did not deserve to be treated badly.

As an aside, I almost transitioned from ‘I cannot believe I ruined my relationship’ to ‘I cannot believe I stayed so long’, but I avoided that trap too. What those statements have in common is self-deprecation and self-hatred. This process was not about finding new ways to hate myself. It was about owning what I did, making peace with my decisions, finding a way to feel whole again, and making mental notes during my process so I didn’t make the same exact mistakes again. It’s called a learning curve, and I quickly realized that I had never had one in relationships. The reason I never learned is because I never really did this part well. I started to dig and it always became too scary so I just chalked up my failed relationships to ‘that’s life.’

I hope I am truly getting across how brutalizing this particular exercise can be. It is not to scare you away from doing it. To the contrary, I want you to know that I did it and I got through it. I came out on the other side. I can now say I did not deserve to be cheated on, lied to, or strung along but I own the fact that I accepted that treatment and dug my heels in more than once and avoided reality because I felt so unworthy. I forgave the mistakes I made and vowed to do better in the future. I also forgave myself for understanding that I would make a million different mistakes in the future and that’s okay too. When you find someone who also thinks you are worthy, they get it.

Don’t know where to start? Make a list. Do NOT make a list that begins or ends with “I’m not pretty enough” or “I nag about the dishes”. Do make a list that includes “I constantly put myself down in front of him” and “I had unrealistic expectations of who he was and what he had to offer me”.  Take your time. Do not rush. Try not to jump into another relationship before you make serious progress on your list (life is long, you have time). Take a break from the list, live your life, and then come back to it when you are ready. Commit to finishing it but know its never really done. When you feel mostly done, read it. Read it more than once. Tell yourself that you are sorry for hating yourself for simply being human.

I want to throw in a small note here. This exercise is not meant to excuse or minimize terrible behavior. It is meant to encourage exploration and learning. It is intended to help you do better, feel better, so you can be better. If part of your healing means you owe someone an apology, then don’t skimp. Get ‘er done. No one else’s terrible behavior should excuse yours. I did not deserve to be treated the way that I was, but it didn’t stop me from apologizing for harm and hurt I may have caused my ex in the past. Your karma is just that, your own.

Want to know the craziest part? This. This is just the beginning. This is the very first step. It is a very important one, but its just the first one.

Until the next…

L.