Day 110.

Hey there. Let’s just jump in, shall we? Please don’t tell me you don’t know any fakers. Please. You might have consciously decided to separate from the fake people in your life and kudos to you. You might have kept some fakers around but moved them to the periphery (clapping hands emoji). But don’t you dare tell me that you’ve never encountered a faker.

Fakers come in so many shapes and sizes. I cannot begin to tackle the entire realm of fakers because there are so damn many that I would need more posts that I have the ability to craft. Plus, no one wants to read about the same shit over and over again, right?

There are two kinds of fakers that I’ve come into contact with and thus have been struggling with lately. For that selfish reason alone, I’m going to focus on those two fakers. Do NOT be fooled though. The world is filled with various kinds of fakers. I think Meg Ryan showed us that, amiright (please watch ‘When Harry Met Sally’ IMMEDIATELY if you have no idea what I’m talking about—you are WELCOME)?! I would like to focus on those who fake caring and those who fake not caring. I would like to first share with you before we go any further that while I am very, very bad at it, I have indeed been both of those individuals. I have faked giving a crap about things and way more often, I have pretended I don’t care.

In addition to all of the other lunatic bits, the craziest part is that each of these categories has a bajillion sub-categories. Ways in which we fake caring or not caring and our motivations for doing it. For that reason, I can’t really explore the whole universe that’s up for discussion, but I am going to try and give the best overview possible.

Just in the last few weeks, I’ve had people ask me how I am when I KNOW they don’t really care about the answer and request that I expand upon something going on with me when the details are irrelevant to them. I’ve witnessed companies and individuals “commit” themselves to causes for the sake of a hashtag or a trend, with full knowledge that when the momentum slows and the attention fades, so will their desire to remain committed. There are a variety of adjectives to describe this state of pretending not to care from the benign (apathetic, phony) to the more serious (manipulative, sociopathic).

I want to briefly touch on how we can identify these people and then how we deal with them. Sometimes the identification of this personality could not be easier. They ask a question (i.e. how are you?) and don’t seem to stick around for the answer. They use trigger language like hun, dear, or sweetie that sounds anything but sincere. They do things that are contrary to what they’ve expressed, such as telling you that you should speak your mind on something but remain decidedly quiet and unsupportive when the time comes. Those are just a few examples, but fairly decent guideposts for moving forward. When you encounter anything of the sort, see it for what it is…baloney.

How do we deal with so-called caring fakers? Well, there are a variety of ways and it depends on the relationship you have and the one you wish or need to have. If the person committing the fake behavior is of no consequence to you, you can simply move them out of your line of vision. Just interact with them as little as possible or hey, not at all. Do not, I repeat, do NOT confront a faker. Nine times out of ten, they will double down on the fake. The fake charm and concern will be turned UP. Nobody has time for that kind of nonsense. You might think you’ll feel better but I promise you that you will not. At all. If you have to interact with a faker (family, co-worker), try and insulate yourself. Before you engage, remind yourself that they are fake. Try and not make any decisions based off their advice, opinion, or encouragement. Truly take everything they say with the teensiest grain of salt.

What about the people who pretend not to care? Sigh. I’ve been there. A freaking lot. I’ve often been the person that says I don’t give a shit about something to appear tougher or stronger than I am. I’ve also been friends with people or interacted with people who tell me that things in their life don’t bother them and/or something I’ve done doesn’t bother them. Again, behavior says it all. I’ve claimed I’m golden when it comes to an issue and then I have private meltdowns. Like full scale crying breakdowns. I’ve had co-workers, bosses, and friends tell me that something is ‘fine’ and then I am punished, ignored, or rebuffed. Shit is CLEARLY NOT fine.

You identify these folks (or behavior in yourself) much in the same way as the people pretending to care. Their behavior, or yours, is the complete opposite of what they are saying. Again, confrontation is futile. Annoying, but true. I have no problem sharing that this is my biggest issue. One of them at least. I feel compelled to say things. I’m working on it, but I know it’s going to be a long journey for me. Challenging your own feelings of discontent is a brilliant idea but saying ‘are you sure…’ to someone who tells you that they are indeed sure? Waste. Painful waste. Resist the urge. Do better than I do.

What do you do ? Well, nothing. I know, that sounds counter-intuitive based on everything I’ve ever shared with you guys but it’s the truth. Do nothing when it comes to others. When it comes to yourself, I’d implore you (beg really) to explore why you refuse to admit something bothers you. Are you ashamed? Scared of feeling? Frustrated? Wanting to save face? I promise you that no reason you have is worth denying yourself the feeling. But, you do you. And stay away from the ‘I don’t care’ fakers. Just give them space to let it fade, crash and burn, or whatever the fuck happens. Usually it’s rather implosive. I say that from personal experience. Everyone has to figure it out for themselves. I know you want to help. I know you are coming from a good place. It doesn’t matter. Just take a step back (like 7.5 feet).

There are so many other varieties of fakers and they range in how much impact they have on our lives. I strongly suggest you handle them (or yourself) using the tips and tricks I’ve mentioned here. I’m not an expert. I’ve just been there. Often. Recently.

Stay real. Talk to you tomorrow.

L.