Day 112.

Ah, the magical disenchanter. The individual responsible for freeing all from their illusions.  Maybe you’ve never encountered this ‘er before. This is entirely possible but highly unlikely. I find that most of these individuals (and yes, I’m sorry, I’m generalizing) fall into one of the following categories: those who identify as pessimists, those who identify as realists, those who identify as bitter, those who identify as cautious, or those who identify as over-protective or self-protective. Sure, there are many others but in my experience, the disenchanters usually take on one, or more, of those identifiers as well.

I’ve been a disenchanter. Many a time. And you know what? That’s real shitty of me. No really, I mean it. What a horrible thing to do. Not because you should be dishonest or someone who doesn’t care about people but because it’s not your job to correct the view of someone else, particularly if that view is future looking. I know it seems like I might be spinning mixed messages right now but I’m not. I am not talking about refraining from giving advice, though there are certainly times when that is a good idea. I am not talking about supporting or encouraging someone’s delusions of grandeur. I am talking about finding a middle ground.

Right. Not so easy though, huh? Definitely not. It is one of the more challenging things you will do. It’s no different than any other middle ground you might seek to find. What do I mean by that? Well, it’s a Goldilocks sort of situation. You have to test the waters and find what works for you individually and with each person you engage with on such a subject. I know that sounds unduly burdensome but it’s not really because in theory, you will not have that many conversations where you are tempted to disenchant.

I think I’d like to dive into some of the motivation behind disenchanting and then move into identifying it before it occurs, figuring out the right way to handle, and moving out of it. If I’m completely honest, I likely won’t touch on those who are being ‘worked on’ by the disenchanters. Why? Well, most of the time they don’t really recognize it’s going on. When they do, it’s not so different from handling unwelcome advice, which is to say that a ‘thanks, but no thanks’ response is required. Or, someone can politely hear the person out, say thanks, and move onto the next thing without really absorbing what’s been suggested. I find the latter option a bit more challenging as we are not made of steel generally and if you are in a position to be disenchanted, you are likely even more vulnerable than you might normally be. Either way, hearing about the disenchanter might help you identify these folks too, so win-win.

We all know glass half-empty folks. Some of us have been those folks from time to time or some of us are of that mindset on a regular basis. When it comes to some of those pessimistic or realistic individuals, it is not enough that they keep their own universe on a so-called even keel. They need to ‘correct’ anything they see around them that doesn’t pass the smell test such that their entire field of vision is in-line with their view of the world. If they come into contact with someone who is expressing a view or future that doesn’t gel with their reality, they will make appropriate adjustments. What do I mean by that? Well, if someone says ‘I think I’ll be able to travel come the fall, but we have to wait and see’ a disenchanter might respond by pointing to current [doomsday] statistics or predictions. They might educate the person on how much worse it will feel if they continue to hope in the face of sure disappointment.

Someone who is bitter or jaded might shred the travel dreams of another simply because they don’t have the opportunity to travel generally or they had travel plans that were already cancelled and don’t want to think about someone else prevailing in the face of their “failure”.

I think the most difficult of personalities to contend with from a motivation standpoint are the protective folks. Why? Well, because they are generally really well intended. They aren’t looking to harm anyone. To the contrary, they just want to shield those around them from any possible damage or injury. They aren’t looking to insult or criticize or destroy. They just want everything to be ‘okay’ and when they bear witness to someone who might be headed for disaster (aka a headfirst crash into reality), they are going to try and prevent it from happening. They just want to make nice and who doesn’t like someone like that?

I’ve been in the reality camp before when it comes to acting as a disenchanter but I’ve often worn the cloak of protective mama bear. And if I’m completely honest, I’ve also tried to insulate myself from the fall-out of others. I cannot stand seeing the people I love harmed and so I want to do everything in my power to prevent that harm from landing directly at their feet. We’ve heard this spiel before, haven’t we? There’s no avoiding someone else’s pain FOR them. You can be loving. You can give advice. You can share your story. But, at some point, they are just going to have to figure things out for themselves. This is where the line becomes really important. How the fuck do we know when enough is enough? What is the difference between full on disenchanting and offering a gentle and supportive warning? Well, the hard truth is that the difference is minimal. Almost impossible to identify, but it is there.

Sometimes the difference is just a function of the language you are using. When you say things like “I wish you wouldn’t..” or “you really shouldn’t…” or “that’s not going to end well…,” you are unquestionably acting as a disenchanter. However, when you say things like “I hope you make the best decision for yourself remembering how special you are and what you truly deserve” you are definitely on the right track. Do you see the subtle difference? It’s promoting their strengths and supporting their decisions, not tearing them down or forcing them to see YOUR realty. Even if you know they are going to make a decision that is not in their best interest from a world view, it is not your place to coerce them into agreement. Suggest but don’t demand. Offer but don’t require.

So now you see it. When someone is demanding, requiring, forcing…they are disenchanting. You can get on that train, but if your brain and heart aren’t ready yet (which they likely aren’t or you would have gotten there already), it’s not going to stick. Then you are going to have a vast divide between what you feel and know and what you are being forced to see and face. That feels really, really shitty. You might have to go through all of that OR you can just say ‘thank you for your advice, but I’m going to try and figure this out on my own.’ Make sense?

It’s really hard to see someone making decisions that don’t benefit them. Brutal if you really care for them. But you know what, that’s their path. You stay on yours. Okay?

Talk to you tomorrow.

L.