Welcome back. Did you consider what I left you with yesterday? Or were you too salty about it? I get it either way. I do.
I read a great article in The Advocate whereas the author explored the notion of retiring the word privileged. The last paragraph in the article is perhaps the most profound for me and quite useful in supporting the point I’m trying to make. It reads as follows: “The next time you go to use the word “privileged,” ask yourself, Will this make someone understand the plight of the marginalized? Will this word have the desired outcome of changing hearts and minds?” (https://www.advocate.com/commentary/2020/7/09/it-time-retire-word-privileged)
When I asked you yesterday to consider how you felt exploring the topic of privilege, I had this sentiment in mind. I know it makes people squirm, but why is that? I believe it is because this label is intrinsically linked to wrongdoing. It triggers folks’ guilt and rather than allowing that feeling to sit with them, they lash out. Sometimes it triggers denial and that has the same effect. Either way, nothing super productive comes at looking at someone and labeling them in this way.
However, what if we began to ask questions to understand more profoundly, so instead of feeling guilty or unjustly accused, the folks we are addressing are able to recognize their good fortune and celebrate such. Ultimately, they would recognize their own blessings and then be able to more clearly see who are who are not so blessed. Do you think that’s possible? I do.
Where do we start though? How do we get to the bottom of things when we are so angry and divided. Well, on some level, the best place to begin is the beginning. I know. Duh. Annoying. But it’s true.
This is where I come back to the song I shared yesterday. See, I told you. Just have a little faith man.
Here are the lyrics I want to start with:
Oh, imagine yourself in a building
Up in flames, being told to stand still
The window’s wide open, this is leap is on faith
You don’t know who will catch you, but maybe somebody will
- Sara Bareilles, A Safe Place to Land
When we comfort someone, we often seek to come from a place of understanding. We try and call to mind experiences or feelings we’ve had that might mirror that which that person is going through. When they have suffered a loss, a death or the end of a relationship, we call upon times of grief. When someone is ill, we try and recall when we’ve had to heal ourselves. We have an easier time feeling for others when we have felt such ourselves. Compassion is often an expression of ‘I’ve been there and I get it.” When we haven’t experienced something similar, we will often express that point so as to make the distance clear. We apologize; deeply sorry that we cannot relate to the pain they are feeling.
You know what the trick is though? There is still something in that person’s situation that we feel connected to on some level. Maybe they are similar in a life role capacity (i.e. mom, dad, wife, etc.) or maybe they are a colleague. Maybe they are alike from a socio-economic standpoint. Either way, there is something that gives us room in which to operate. There is comfort and familiarity. When we have no such connection, we struggle mightily with relating to that individual or expressing understanding for what they are going through. I believe that this is often where misunderstanding, judgment, and even distain comes into play.
I am going to give you some examples so you understand. Again, I am not criticizing you if you’ve thought this way before. Not even a little. I’m digging into the grit so we can real time talk about things that matter.
Okay. So, here are a few expressions I would expect to hear: “I’ve never been there BUT…I don’t know why she still talks about the death of her father, as it was over six months ago/ he is still hung up on that job he lost when he has a new job/ she can’t get over him when they broke up years ago.” These are just a few examples, but do you understand what these thoughts do? Can you comprehend the power they wield? Well, these statements support a notion that even though you have not experienced some thing directly, you feel comfortable invalidating the thoughts or feelings of another human who has. Eek.
The truth is, the same occurs when people have had the same but yet, a different experience. What do I mean by that? Well, every human is different. You might handle grief differently than a friend. That’s when you’ll hear “I wasn’t like that so many months after my mother passed away.” In that case, you are saying that you believe a reaction to life events should be the same for everyone. You are disclaiming the notion of individuality. You are also getting comfortable in the notion that whatever information you have in front of you to gauge the situation is all that exists in the world. This person or these persons have said every single thing they are thinking or feeling and you know every single thing that has occurred such that you are in a unique position to lay down a verdict.
You know what kids? Even if that’s true, it’s still bullshit. Why? Well, because everyone is absolutely entitled to their own life, feelings, and thoughts.
Sara Bareilles is describing a situation, an experience, feelings, but first, she is inviting the listener to imagine. To consider a scenario in which the only way out is through or down, and there is no true understanding as to what it on the other side or at the bottom. There is just a sentiment that one cannot stay teetering on that windowsill. There is just a thought that anything might be better than the dangers faced at that moment. There is simply the hope that there is help and comfort on the other side.
Let’s take this thing full circle, shall we? We can only begin to explore privilege in a way that is meaningful and productive if we worry less about the label and more about the implications. We can tackle its impact if we first consider that there are people out there, everywhere, who are faced with making difficult decisions, and also, everyday decisions. They are making those decisions from a seat that we may have sat in before, but maybe not. They are making those decisions with options we may not be aware of or options that may mean something different to them than it does to us. They are making those decisions with other issues in mind that we may not know or may not have felt as deeply. They are making those decisions with the hope that it will all work out for the best.
We need to understand that we don’t understand. Even if we have ALL the information, we still don’t get it. We can’t. Even if we know a piece, we never know it all.
That’s where we start. Consider a burning building and someone at the window. They can’t go back. They can only step forward. They have no idea who or what awaits them on the other side or down.
Consider that…until tomorrow.
L.
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