I don’t think all people are liars. I mean. I think they are, but I don’t think most are purposeful, malicious liars. I know that we’ve touched on this topic before. Mostly I’ve thrown this issue in the mix because I seem to have a penchant for liars. I befriend them. I date them. They destroy me. You know…
But I’ve been thinking about a different kind of liar the last few days. Maybe a liar isn’t even the right word. Maybe withholder is more accurate?
On one hand, we each have the unilateral and unfailing right to confide what we want to whom we want. That’s just how it works. And we make those decisions based on several pieces of information and also, our intuition.
We may want someone to always see us a certain way and thus, we only reveal the information that is supportive of that persona. Perhaps we want someone to act in a particular manner and thus, we share what we need to in order to provoke that behavior. It is possible that we just don’t trust someone generally or maybe we just don’t trust them with specific categories of information. Sometimes we have created a specific narrative in our own minds and we spin tales to others that allows us to maintain that illusion.
More often than not, I’ve noticed that people do not make these sharing (or withholding) decisions in a very deliberate fashion. Said otherwise, they just allow certain pieces of information to spill off their tongue when the opportunity presents. I think it is more in the “after” that they contemplate the implications of what they shared or withheld.
I think the “after” analysis results in feelings of surprise, regret, relief, and even worry. What I’ve observed is that rarely does the “after” thought push someone to do an about-face. They don’t try and take back what they’ve done. They don’t reveal the information they’ve deliberately held back. They don’t dig deep to come up with an explanation. They either stuff those feelings down deep so they never see the light of day or they justify like it’s going out of style.
What’s amazing is that this behavior that so many people indulge in (I’m not exempting myself-more on that soon) can be so troubling and disconcerting, and yet, it persists. We are more comfortable with the feelings of unease that might follow this dance than the potential discomfort we may experience if we own the decision in a very real way.
The real unfortunate bit is that often when we try to reveal to someone why we might not choose to share something with them, the proverbial shit hits the fan. The reaction can be so negative that it leaves the sharer wondering why they felt compelled to come clean from the start.
I’ve tried it. I’ve tried to tell people that I thought were close to me that I have difficulty sharing certain parts of my life with them. Nine times out of ten, the results were disastrous. They instantly made it about them. They were being victimized by my behavior, by my decision to withhold. I was judging them, accusing them, and maligning them by making such a choice. Net, net, the experience was unpleasant and thus, caused me to reconsider whether my sharing was such a brilliant idea.
It was and I’m going to get to that, but like all things in life that grow us, it feels shitty when you are in the middle of it. It is uncomfortable as all get out, and the results are unpredictable and usually undesirable. I know I’ve said this one thousand times, but I intend to say it one thousand more (so buckle up): that should never stop you from doing the thing that crosses you over an important threshold.
Before we get to the bravery and initiative it takes to get to that point, I do want to share that there are exceptions to this rule. There are times that you desire to materially shift a relationship such that it is unnecessary to share with that individual what you are doing. In fact, in those scenarios, I might argue that you are oversharing.
It’s like telling someone they are bad in bed as you are saying your last goodbye. You can do it. It might give you a bit of momentary pleasure, but in the long run, it serves no inner purpose. You aren’t better for having done it. You likely won’t mortally wound that human (as they will justify and render your assessment utter bullshit). You won’t feel a weight lifted. In fact, it will likely sit with you like sour milk. You’ll have a bad bellyache and will immediately regret the decision.
I know that some of you might be shaking your head and itching to share a story where you did the thing and felt amazing after. Good for you. No judgment here at all and I am certainly not questioning your experience. I am just sharing my feelings that generally speaking, that action doesn’t really get you to a better place spiritually or emotionally. Usually that decision doesn’t come from a place of chill, at all. Typically those words bubble to our lips because we are pissed off or deeply saddened or perhaps feeling betrayed. We are lashing out. We are responsive. We are disassociating ourselves from the responsibility of our words. The impact.
You will likely not look sassy and cutting. You will look emotionally fraught and out of control. Again, there are exceptions, but they are few and far between.
That was a little sidebar, but an important one. The bottom line is that the decision to share with someone why you are withholding should be meaningful. It should be done for your own personal evolution or in the hopes that you can move a relationship to a better spot.
Here’s the really strange part: I don’t think that you are doing anything wrong by withholding, but I think you can start to walk a tightrope if you fail to acknowledge the behavior. If you insist on pretending like all is good and nothing is awry, there is a distinct possibility that you will tip toe into shitty liar land. Who wants to hang there? Not me.
You?
Think on it.
L.
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