Hi there. I wrapped up yesterday by differentiating between situations where you might want to address withholding from those where you may not want to. Before I dive headfirst into that arena and expand on each, I want to spend today really delving into with withholding looks like.
In fact, let me map it out a little because I know most people like a plan. Today we explore withholding in its expansive finery. Tomorrow we will wade through who we explore this with and how we do that and then the next day, when we don’t need to do that at all. We will wrap up the week with me revealing all my secrets to you. Just kidding. I’m definitely not fucking doing that (though I do tell you a LOT). I will be sharing how I am guilty of withholding and what I’ve personally done to sort that all out.
The hardest part of this subject is that it makes most of us squirmy. It does. Don’t lie to me or yourself. It’s just us here. If I ask you if you are a liar, you will likely immediately say ‘hell no.’ If I ask you if you have on occasion deliberately or inadvertently withheld information from another human, I think you might have a difficult time uttering the same response. And whenever a topic makes us feel a little antsy or weird, we tend to run away from it. We tell ourselves that there is nothing critical about our knowing or not knowing the thing. Everyone does it and so who really cares? Is there really any harm?
Well, sure there is.
There are so many different kinds of withholding that it’s hard to squish all of that information into this one blog post and stick to my easy reading glory. But, I like a good challenge and so, I’m going to try.
In fact, I’m going to elaborate on two main categories, so as to keep things tight. Ready? Okay, here we go….
There is the kind of withholding that occurs in a very purposeful fashion. I find that this behavior is best characterized by that bubbling up just behind the lips. We are tempted to share something but we decide to hold back. There are so many reasons why we make this decision, ranging from our desire to hurt someone to wanting to keep things on a level playing field (the thought that this action actually accomplishes that task) to feeling nervous about how that person might respond.
Let’s get into each of these categories I just described a little so we can understand what this looks like. I’m not sure how much I need to say about holding back to try and hurt another human. I think we have all done this at one time or another, no? You don’t have to tell me about it, but you can surely admit it to yourself. I might have information that will eliminate another human’s worry or pain or concern, but I’m going to hang on to it so they are left in suspense and anxiety.
What does it mean to withhold in order to keep things even Steven? Well, you get the sense that a friend isn’t telling you certain things. Even though you are apt to share ALL THE THINGS, you decide that you want to force equanimity in the relationship, so you hold back the very same bits of information. I don’t think I need to tell you that this is a waste of energy, but if I do: IT IS. A friend decides to not talk about her dating life and thus, I decide to keep that on the down low too.
As for the feeling anxious about the response certain information will provoke, I’ve lived in that space for many, many years. I’ve shared those experiences quite prominently on this blog, so I’m sure you know what I’m referring to. However, a little refresher never hurt nobody, amiright? Like: I want to tell my partner that I’m feeling unsatisfied in our relationship but I am terrified that he’ll tell me to go scratch and so, I keep my wittle feelings to myself. I suffer, but at least I delay what I perceive to be the unfortunate inevitability.
Then there are the occasions of withholding that are so subtle and so part of our “regular flow” as humans, that we barely recognize them when they present. In fact, most of the time we don’t identify these situations until we are confronted with them. You know, when someone says “um, you never told me….” Our response when we deliberately withheld from another person is usually defensive and argumentative, but when that is not the case, we will often feel mystified. We can’t quite put our finger on the occasion where such an interaction occurred. We may not even remember or know straight away why we felt the way we did.
The interesting part of all of this is that our desire to withhold comes from the same place, whatever our intention. Somewhere inside of us there are feelings that we have sitting around and they are a driving force, propelling us to take overt action or gently pushing us in that direction. So, the first part of getting to the bottom of all of this is taking a closer look at the emotions that are motivating us. The good news is that the identification part is actually sometimes the easiest part. We may not even know that our feelings are pushing us to withhold but we know that we are feeling something.
Most of the feelings relating to withholding boil down to trust or more accurately, a breach of trust. There can be massive breaches of trust such as infidelity or abandonment or less offensive fissures such as the separation that comes with not making much of an effort. Either way, issues with trust tend to snowball and cause anger and hurt and then…we withhold.
The best thing we can do for ourselves is jump in when we start to feel the feelings. Acknowledge them for what they are and try to figure out a path forward (or away). If we aren’t so lucky to be able to approach the situation in that way, which can occur for a million different reasons, we need to keep our eyes wide open for signs that the impact has already started to happen. Then we can institute damage control by self-reflecting to find the underlying issues that led to such a situation while also looking at the scope of the storm.
Here’s a handy little tip: if you give into apprehension, fear, or upset when talking to another human, you are likely withholding. Call it by its name, and decide you want to change that paradigm. Or don’t. But if you are going to commit, make sure it serves you.
When should we make the decision to tackle withholding with another person? Well, the easy answer is whenever we want to have a meaningful relationship. A relationship doesn’t necessarily need to be categorized by utter transparency. However, if there is deliberate action on your part to hold back from that human, you might want to ask yourself what purpose they serve in your life.
As promised, I will talk to you tomorrow about relationships you can arguably maintain while not addressing withholding, but in my humble opinion, that’s a fairly tight category of folks. A small circle, if you will.
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 