I talked about trust yesterday because like many others, I think trust is a quintessential building block for a good and hearty relationship. You can have all the love in the world but if there is no trust in a relationship or if that trust has been breached, there is a fundamental problem. There is a crack in your foundation. You might want to remain blissfully ignorant. That is certainly your right. But, try and refrain from calling your relationship the best thing since sliced bread. I might suggest something like “well, it’s a little broken, but it works for us.” I also think you need to examine what it is that is working for you, but that’s a chat for another day.
What does this have to do with anything? Well, I think it’s important to consider whether trust truly exists in a relationship where there is withholding. The appearance of trust might swim around your connection to another human, but is the real deal actually there and present if there are things that go unspoken?
Just like I stated clearly above, I am not of the belief that a relationship has to be a ping pong game of all the facts and thoughts and feelings. There are things that we can share or not share with our partner or friend and there is not a smidgen of withholding involved.
How do we know the difference? Well, for starters, if our partner or friend asks us point blank about the thing, there is no stress involved in answering. I’ve many a time found myself telling someone that it didn’t occur to me to share _______ or that the sharing of __________ just didn’t seem characteristic of our particular relationship. Also, there is no serious deliberation that occurs in the decision to not share some bit of information. In fact, it may not even be a thought at all. I know this all sounds very nuanced and difficult to discern, but I assure you it is not.
I don’t tell my boyfriend that I decided to get a few extra highlights because I don’t think he’ll give a fuck on any level. I might mention it to my mom or a girlfriend, but I spare him this mostly useless piece of information. I don’t tell him that I get Botox because I am afraid he will judge me or see me differently if I do. The former is a normal flow of information, or lack thereof. The latter is withholding. Do you see it? Again, I know it is a little subtle, but certainly not impossible to get. The examples I used are fairly innocent, but I imagine you can immediately call to mind some more challenging or damaging “shares.”
Interestingly, the question then becomes: will he judge you if/when he finds out because you get Botox or because you decided to not tell him that you get Botox? Is it possible that when we decide not to share something, we make it bigger? You’ve had that experience before, haven’t you? You are a bit nervous to tell a story and you are dragging out the big reveal and at some point during the roll-out of your delay tactics, you recognize that you are actually making the situation infinitely worse. At the end of the day, the issue will feel incredibly anticlimactic (i.e. you were nervous over THAT?!) or you will have put so much emphasis in that corner that your counterparty will assume that the best course of action is to assign great value to the thing. You know, like thinking that there must be something deeper and shittier in the thing that is fairly innocent because why would you be making such a big fucking deal for NO reason?
I get that all of this might feel like we got off track somewhere but I assure you, I did not. I am laying the groundwork so you understand when it is important to tackle your withholding. Do you see it in the story? No. Let me try a little harder. If any of the above situations feel yucky to you when it comes to your relationship with ____________, that is a relationship where a discussion on withholding is necessary. If you would not give a flying fuck how your partner or friend responded to something of that nature, then don’t bother.
I want to be crystal clear that I am not talking about a fear paradigm. This is not a situation where I am saying if you are scared to upset another person, you should respond by making yourself vulnerable. Absolutely not. I’m saying that if you want to maintain status quo in a relationship or even take it to the next, higher level, you will have to do the work to get it there. Part of that work is brutal honesty.
You will have to tell someone that you really want to be able to tell them things but you are hesitant for any number of reasons. You will have to reveal those reasons. You will have to stumble over and search for your words. You will have to be open and exposed. You will have to be awkward and deliberate. This is one of those situations where you have to feel a little meh to understand what your relationship is really capable of.
Here’s the really shitty bit (you know I was getting here, so let’s not pretend): sometimes you will do the work to be plainly honest with another human and it will not work out the way you intended it to. Instead of understanding and open discussion, they will be angry and resentful. You will face judgment and perhaps even rejection. Sometimes the reaction is swift and temporary. They are upset that they have been “betrayed” and they respond poorly, but, they reconsider and come back to move things forward. This is good stuff. Other times, they use your honesty as a reason to blow everything up. Sadly, you will have to see these situations as the universe showing you exactly where you need to be. Easier said than done, and I know that SUCKS, but that’s just the way it works.
Bottom line: do not compromise yourself to be in a relationship of any kind. You will always lose.
Always.
L.
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