Should you make an investment or not?

I’ve heard too many friends tell me that they’ve given up on the idea of having what seems to them an ideal relationship. I use the caveat of personal preference because we are all so different and the crazy part is that it doesn’t really matter, because the shift away from that “goal” is universal.

Let’s be clear that the folks I am referring to (men and women) are both single and in relationships. I am not just speaking of the search for a solid relationship. I am talking about the work done within an existing or active relationship.

It goes without saying that some people do not have realistic expectations and they need something of an adjustment. That just happens. That said, there is also this paradigm that I’ve been talking about all week thus far, which is that we’ve inadvertently (some of us) subscribed to some grandiose pile of steaming shit when it comes to relationships and are left in a position to accept it or get nothing.

I’m balking at that decision or those options. I’m suggesting that we work to unseat that construct. The amazing part is that we don’t really need to be super active with our revolution. We don’t need to toss tables or throw the world off its axis (though if that happens, I’m here for it). We just need to decide that in our small corner of the universe, we are going to have standards. We are going to ask for what we want and when we compromise, it’s not going to be the equivalent of giving away the farm. We are going to compromise in the truest definition of the word, which is to say that both parties given a little until common ground is discovered.

I think that sometimes we expect too much from people. I know that sounds contradictory, but I’ll explain. I think sometimes we are in a position where we are expecting people to act exactly as we do. Sure, on the surface, this seems like a brilliant plan. Why can’t I expect people to be as kind and attentive as I am? Well, because everyone is different. Someone might be kind and attentive but they might demonstrate it differently. Or perhaps they are kind and attentive but they also have other qualities that seem to get in the way. I’m not suggesting that we should excuse shitty behavior, but I’m also saying that we need to look big picture, almost always.

I don’t think the idea is getting someone who behaves exactly like us or even sort of like us. Not at all. I think the idea is twofold, as follows: 1. Not taking shit from someone when it is actually shit, and 2. When it doesn’t rise to the ‘I’m not taking your shit’ level, understanding that work can be done to meet in the middle.

Did that make sense or was that too confusing?

Like sometimes we need to give people the heave ho pretty quickly. We don’t need to annihilate them or lecture them on all the ways in which they aren’t a fit for us, we just need to walk quickly in the opposite direction. Quite frankly, I think there is something empowering about not breaking it down for someone. You don’t need to mold someone who isn’t going to be a part of your life. Who the fuck are you (first of all)? And also, reserve your energy for when it matters.

I’ve been stuck in a rabbit hole too many times trying to explain to a lost cause why I think they are exactly that when it comes to me and my needs. I get frustrated trying to get them to just understand what the fuck I’m trying to convey. This is a worthless endeavor. I am likely insulting them and also, I am setting myself up for failure. I’ve already decided that things are a done deal. I’m apt to fold and go back to the drawing board if I continue the conversation or else I’ll just spin myself in inane circles. Neither seems appealing, so yeah, skip it. Or don’t, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Onto the next bit. It is incredibly challenging to do the work to make something work. Did you get that? Read it again and then again. I talk about the work all the time, but this is a special kind of work. It’s particularly daunting because it’s not always successful.

We were discussing a line of business at my company the other day. I was telling a member of executive management that I thought we should invest in a feasibility study to collect all the relevant information so that we could make an informed decision how to move forward. He was a bit flabbergasted at first. He asked why we needed to spend money to figure out whether we wanted to move forward or not and then potentially spend more money doing so. I calmly explained that sometimes you need to make an investment up front. In this case, the investment was arming us with useful and necessary information so that we has a lesser chance of fucking things up going forward. The investment was not a lost cause because either we would decide to fold and save future dollars not investing in something that is a waste or we would move forward with the knowledge that all was not for naught. By the way, the latter part of that could ultimately result in a ‘failure’ also, but that’s just the nature of life and everything, right?

Sometimes we need to make an investment up front so that we can figure out what’s worth fighting for. Sometimes we need to duke it out in relationships (kindly and lovingly with a side of spice) so that we can get closer to a spot where we know that it’s even worth it to keep trying, to keep fighting. This exercise is not a waste. Not even a little. We get to learn something about ourselves in this process. We get to grow as humans. We get to figure out by a more controlled trial and error what is meaningful to us, what is make or break.

You know what time it is, right? Relevance time. It is easy to give up on the idea of getting what you want when our society has collectively settled for garbage. I’m challenging you to not give a fuck about that fact. Not even one iota. Are you up for the challenge? Can you do it? Can you look someone in the eye and say “yeah, I get that’s good for most, but it’s just not good enough for me…”?

I can. I am. I will.

See ya tomorrow.

L.