“Be messy and complicated and afraid and show up anyways.” Glennon Doyle Melton
I have felt decidedly messy this last week. Grumpy. Out of sorts. I didn’t know what it was exactly. I couldn’t pinpoint the source of my disquiet. Then, two events happened in rapid succession and it all came together.
So now, I’m afraid. But also, I’m showing up. I’m pausing my regularly scheduled programming to address what is driving me mad and breaking my heart, simultaneously.
First, a friend of mine called me to talk to me about a work situation. I’m not going to get into any detail because while it’s relevant, it is unnecessary. I want to land a punch here and so I’m going to cut out the fluff. She is being subject to raging and entirely transparent sexism at work. She feels trapped and frustrated and unappreciated and unheard and unseen. You know, all the things that are conducive to giving your all in the workplace (cue sarcastic shrug). Nothing screams production like ‘we value your male counterparts more’.
Then, I had brought up to a different friend that I was disturbed by what’s going on in Texas, but I was more rankled that almost none of the so-called influencers I follow have been addressing the issue, at all. She matter-of-factly advised that she believes they don’t want to risk losing followers. I think it’s critically important that I explain that the girlfriend I was chatting with is entirely like minded when it comes to these issues. She wasn’t defending the influencers or even asserting an opinion per se. She was just advising in a rather straight forward manner what she believes to be true.
I agree. I think these WOMEN are afraid to lose followers so they stick to the script. What is that you ask? Well, you know. Fashion. Beauty. Home wares. That kind of shit. Links galore to lead you to where you might purchase all the brilliant things they “advertise” so you can support their livelihood and well, brand.
I want to be clear that I don’t have an aversion to influencers. I find their entrepreneurial spirit rather admirable, and there are times I’m even a little jealous. I’m not suggesting their hustle isn’t burdensome, but at times, it feels a bit more glamorous or fun than my day to day. So yeah, my condemnation does not come from a place of criticism of the influencer occupation.
What’s my issue then? Well, my first thought when my girlfriend shared the follower loss issue was ‘oh, right’, which was swiftly followed by ‘who the FUCK are their followers’?! Meaning, are they not predominantly followed by women or people who identify as female? I am not discriminating against men or people who identify as male AT ALL. Perhaps there are others who follow these folks, but as they mostly appeal to those who identify as female, I am taking a leap. I’m open to a correction, though I’m confident it has no bearing on my message (but I will gladly shift my assumptions accordingly).
In other words: they are afraid of alienating folks and losing followers if they address the oppression of women. Are you actually fucking kidding me?
I want to backtrack for a moment. I am steamed (as you can tell) and so, I’m going to take a bitty step back to allow for a breath and to ease back into my purpose. My message.
I was raised to be accepting of everyone. Well, everyone except those who seek to hurt others or have no regard for causing harm to others, even when inadvertent. I feel comfortable conversing with and even being friends with (I know, the horror) people who have radically different views than I do. In fact, I find that folks who are on a different spectrum or wavelength often educate me. At times, they even lend credibility and strength to my own views.
Also, while I am not a very religious person, I have a deep respect for different religions, theologies, beliefs, customs, and rituals. I may not “get it” but I get it. You do you, right? If you believe that abortion is a sin as part of your religion, I understand that. Whether I agree with you (I don’t) is inconsequential. I deeply respect that you have a belief system that supports that sentiment.
Where we go horribly off the rails is the place where you decide that your belief system is one that everyone MUST subscribe to. Where I seethe with anger and boil with frustration is when you decide that the respect of someone’s views is a mutually exclusive concept with the ball always in your court, and furthermore, I am worthy of punishment if I don’t conduct myself in accordance with your beliefs and viewpoint.
I respect that there are people who do not condone abortion. Not for themselves or those in their inner circle. I cannot for the life of me get on board the idea that this is somehow imposed on anyone else on the fucking planet. You don’t want to get an abortion? Don’t. Really. I get it. But don’t fucking tell me what the fuck to do with my body. Ever. And when you take it to the wire and seek to punish people who don’t lean into your view, now you’ve sent me over the edge.
Let’s be crystal clear so we are all on the same page. Women’s rights have been made a political issue by politicians. Women’s rights are a human rights issue, not a political issue. Politicians don’t support women’s rights because they love women. They don’t work against moving women forward because they hate women (though some do, certainly). This is all a game of chess. What can they say to appeal to a base so that they garner votes and keep a position of power? Oh yeah, all of this shit.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure some of them believe it what they spew. I also think there are a ton of anti-abortion folks who have paid for or supported abortions out of the public eye. Yes. I said it. They are full of it. Entirely. You are being played. We are ALL being played. Again, and as per usual.
I am desperate for us to separate the notion of women’s rights and politics. I am hungry for a time when many people in this country (hell, the world) believe that it shouldn’t even be a topic of discussion because…equality. I mean, when the fuck is this spiral into darkness going to end? Why should anyone be in a position to make their PERSONAL views and beliefs something that we all have to latch onto or suffer the consequences?
I am not debating anyone on the merit of being anti-abortion (sorry, I refuse to call it by the other popular term- it’s a personal thing). I’m not even going to do a deep dive into the hypocrisy or the myriad of issues surrounding this VERY complicated issue. If an anti-abortion sentiment is what you subscribe to, fine. I am debating your right to make me, MAKE ME believe what you believe or be punished. How the fuck do you live with yourself? I know that sounds harsh, but honestly, I mean that.
Okay, full circle. Let’s go back to the influencers and my friend who is suffering at her job. If women don’t support other women generally, how do we go forward? If women are too fucking afraid to open their mouths for fear of cancellation, how will we ever get to a better place? If you cannot fathom a world of inclusion where folks get to have different beliefs, what happens when people get turned off by YOUR beliefs? Is that NOT okay? Are we only permitted to support people we align with wholeheartedly?
I don’t want to buy a fucking cardigan from a link that you post if you have nothing to say about women. That’s it. I don’t want to buy a candle or sneakers or anything. Did you know that some folks believe you are “permitted” to have an online presence? That’s right. You are lucky enough to have a voice, so make sure you keep it really quiet. Don’t offend anyone. Don’t support the right to be free thinking. Pretend like it’s not a big deal. Then we will buy all your shit and support a lifestyle that we approve of, for now.
It IS a big deal. It’s the biggest deal there is, and if you can’t see that you are entirely lost. I’m not asking you to change your views on abortion. I’m asking you to see women and people who identify as female as equals so they can decide for themselves.
I wonder if the discussion was about breast augmentation, we would be in this position. What if we told women that they had to get permission to modify their bodies? I know, they’d argue that’s not about life. Arguably, it is. What if you die during surgery or after? What if you leave your loved ones and/or family? What then? So, yeah. You should have to ask permission. I don’t believe in plastic surgery so you shouldn’t be permitted to get it. Stop it. Stop it right now.
My friend is being tortured at work because too many women are afraid to speak up. To have a voice. To be present. To have an opinion. To respect others’ opinions. I’m fucking sick of it. She has female and male colleagues who could support her, and you know what? They don’t. You know why? They don’t want to make waves or be uncomfortable or risk being unliked.
Is there a threshold consideration here? Is there a point we get to where our humanity supersedes our need to be likable or right? Is it possible that you can be devoutly subscribed to your belief system and not impose it on others? Is it possible that you can defend those who don’t agree with you on the premise that, with the ‘cause no harm’ motto in mind, there is room for all of us?
Here’s the thing. This is the scariest but most important bit. Don’t get comfortable because it’s your beliefs they are pushing today or because you live somewhere further away from where rights are being oppressed. If you support oppression or discrimination or hatred of any kind, you support all of it. No one is exempt. Including you.
So yeah, think on being a fucking decent human. It’s the LEAST you can do.
That’s all.
I think I’ll be back tomorrow. I’m pissed though, so we’ll see.
Have a good one. Unless you are oppressing people and then, have the day you deserve (said with a shitty and mildly malicious tone).
x
L.
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