Another day, another enraging conversation with my lovely friend who is suffering at the hands of buffoons and thoughtless monsters. Here’s the thing I know for sure, I’ve asked myself and others one particular questions more times than I would ever care to. Ready for it? Okay. Here it is: if I were a man, would I be treated this way?
I’m going to stop offering a disclaimer when discussing this topic after these few sentences. I feel like I’ve exhausted the topic and you know by now that I am not a man hater. At all. I am not looking to condemn men or even cut men out of my life. I know men that are good and fair and kind and generous. My issue is more so that we have a systemic problem.
I want to backtrack a little here and introduce a discussion I had with some other folks over the weekend. We were discussing the newer labels for gender identity and sexual orientation. A question that I posed was why we don’t, as a society, reconsider some of the characteristics of our gender roles. I’m not claiming that would materially impact the equation, but if many folks are falling outside of these antiquated categorizations, doesn’t it behoove us to examine the validity and accuracy?
We change things all the time. Eggs are good. Just kidding, eggs are bad. Eat all the coconut. Don’t eat coconut, eat avocado. Eat avocado but in moderation. Don’t eat sugar but if you do, eat real sugar and not fake sugar. But, make sure you count calories and substitute where appropriate and helpful. You see what I mean, right? That was just one simple example that popped into my head. When something, a narrative, no longer serves us, we readjust. Why are we reluctant to do so when it comes to gender roles?
I might argue that we are so deeply entrenched that no one would actually have a clue where to begin. For all our new labels and progression and cries for equality and marches, we still cling fast to a notion that seems old-fashioned and punitive.
Let me get specific here so that we land on the same page in a meaningful way. In a professional setting, women are often placated. They are managed emotionally. Of course, the attempt to pacify is usually counter-productive and causes far more harm than good, but the person who is acting in such a fashion is usually just trying to avoid what they believe to be an emotional shit storm. I want to be clear that if I get pissed about something, I am indeed labeled as overly sensitive whereas my male counterparts are just reacting to something shitty.
This is the reality. This is real. This is the world we live in. It doesn’t stop because women are afraid to push back because when they do, there is more backlash. It is a never-ending merry-go-round. A self-fulfilling prophecy.
I want to address the elephant in the room because well, that’s what we do. Women, for the most part, are built a little differently. Not ALL women, but many women. We have a different emotional intelligence and core. We don’t compartmentalize in the same way most men do. This isn’t me just making casual observations. This is a less articulate explanation of what has been scientifically proven. Our brains work differently.
The part of this that sends me over the deep end is that somehow, these differences have painted women as the weaker sex and men as the strong ones, and we spend an awful amount of time figuring out how to navigate around those assumptions and labels rather than acknowledging that there is room for everyone.
We have done a lot to try and find explanations and excuses for the behavior of men and very little time providing the same accommodation for women. And yet, there is still this very strange paradox that exists. My friend who is being tortured at work is tenured in her place of business. There is a man who was meant to be her subordinate, and to put it lightly, shit got real fucked up. They didn’t handle any of his hiring appropriately. He is making more money than she is and they are just now fixing the reporting structure. But they aren’t fixing it. She is the overly emotional one who they have to tiptoe around because she is being such a baby about her compensation issue (read heavy and intense sarcasm) but they are simultaneously bending over backwards to make sure they don’t offend the gentleman who is a part of this.
Um, what? Are you actually serious right now? Why would HE be offended? Also, why is she not allowed to be offended? God forbid she have a reaction to anything. She’s just being dramatic and over-the-top. I cannot fucking stand it any longer.
When are we going to get to a place where everyone is permitted to have an appropriate reaction based on how they are being treated and what is occurring? Why do we reinforce these absolutely ancient and sexist paradigms? Also, it occurs to me that men might be calmer in the face of these situations because often, they aren’t forced to really spill blood to get what they want. I’m not suggesting that men don’t work their asses off. They do. I know many, many men who work their tails off. I’m just telling you that from my very personal experience, women getting what they want in a professional scenario is far more challenging.
There is an innate bias that is part of the environment before any of the relevant facts even enter the room. It is nearly impossible to over come them, and so women end up straddling them. That’s right. I said it. We spend a ton of time sorting out how to protect ourselves just a little while not pissing anyone else off or risking upset or anything of the like.
I’m tired. I’m really fucking tired of it. Can’t we do better? Maybe it’s time that we look at these roles and do a rewrite? What are we so afraid of? Making more people feel included and happy? Heaven forbid.
Let’s do better. I know, same directive as usual, but a good one. Let’s. Do. Better.
X
L.
thepathtoworthy.com 