Hi there. Happy new week. I know I wasn’t around a lot of last week. I was busy. And thinking. And tired. All of it. I don’t want to make excuses. I just want to acknowledge. During my absence, my mind was constantly churning. Work, the world, the news, my personal life. Everything. Anything.
There was one topic that circled around my brain quite a bit last week. I kept coming back to the idea of what I don’t like or don’t want in friends, partners, co-workers, acquaintances. That sounds a bit rude, I know, but it’s not. Or, it is, and it doesn’t matter. It’s my process. My self-awareness. My growth. Bottom line, it’s no one else’s business.
Of course, I’m making it your business, but only for the purpose of sharing. Perhaps I will say a few things that resonate with you. Maybe I’ll annoy you a little, but you’ll be able to shift uncomfortable feelings you have elsewhere. Maybe it will make you sad, but also, conscious of areas that you need to pay closer attention to. Maybe you won’t have any strong reaction one way or the other but reading this helps pass some time. Either way, anyway, nothing lost.
To be specific, I’ve been trying to examine situations that make me feel awkward or unpleasant or uneasy, so I can also look at my reactions. The whole growth business is tricky, but the simplest fact is that nothing changes if nothing changes.
I want to be clear that there’s no specific order that I’m considering when presenting these issues. There is no thought to priority. I’m just opening my brain and heart and letting what’s on top spill out.
So, here goes…
I struggle with people who appear too weak. I know, this seems hypocritical. I can readily admit that I’ve struggled with my strength and power from time to time. I’ve been taken advantage of and manipulated and generally treated like garbage. I’ve made my voice very small and hidden my opinion and shrunk from what I want and more importantly, what I need.
So, you might be asking- how could I possibly be so harsh and judgmental about some character trait that I have clearly exhibited myself? Easy. Yeah, I know, funny, but also not. It’s innately human. My Gram used to tell me that if someone irked me, I should look super closely at that individual, because some part of me was looking right in a mirror.
As you might imagine, this pissed me off to no end. Ha. It did. I was outraged. Someone’s behavior tweaked me, and she was suggesting that there was some part of me that was like that person? I had that within ME? No fucking way. Yeah. I did. I do.
This is an incredibly valuable lesson and the same goes for each trait or behavior I’m going to talk about over the next couple of days. That’s not to say that you can’t find something unpleasant that has nothing to do with who you are, but that is a rarer situation. Typically, I find that falls into the realm of unsavory character traits (think pure evil or indisputable narcissism).
What do I mean about too weak? Those who don’t advocate for themselves. Those who take an unfathomable amount of shit. Those who put themselves and others around them in harm’s way because they are too scared to stand up and do something.
I was that person. I am that person. I fight an internal battle constantly to retain my voice, my opinions, my independent sense of self. When I am face-to-face with someone making themselves teeny tiny or invisible, I feel frustrated. I want them to understand big picture what that could mean. How they could be wounded. How that decision can change absolutely everything.
I’ve tried to encourage those folks to stand up for themselves, be assertive, stay strong, but the truth is, that’s well intended but really fucking arrogant. Who the fuck am I to tell someone how to live their life? I don’t have all the answers. Not even close. I don’t even have most answers. I only know that I’ve suffered and it’s too painful to watch the same in others, so I think that perhaps if I offer guidance, I’ll help them avoid my fate.
I can’t though. You can’t, either. I think that we can be supportive. I think that we can share our own, deeply personal narrative. However, beyond that, things get a little sticky. Most people don’t want to be told what to do, and they certainly don’t want to be criticized. So, stay in your lane.
The question then becomes, how do we deal with this personality when we are face to face with it and something is making us feel all the icky shit? Sorry, let me back up for a moment. You do know what and who I’m talking about, right? The person who calls the person who treats them like garbage. The person who goes out of their way for someone who would never return the favor. The person who kowtows and grovels and belittles themselves to serve others. The person with little to no boundaries.
Just a reminder, I have been nearly every single one of those humans. I have exhibited all of that behavior. I hated myself for it, but still, I couldn’t stop. I would love to tell you that I would have welcomed someone setting me straight, but it’s likely that I would have resented them or thought them insane. This knowledge only reinforces the idea that I should mind my own damn business.
I’ve found that I’m capable of mostly keeping my thoughts and my opinion to myself when it comes to these situations, but the ‘not letting it bounce around inside of me’ bit, that’s tougher. I know this is going to sound insane, but I’ve found that a mantra helps in these situations. And compassion. Heaps of it. And also, space. That’s right, put some space between you and that person when you are feeling a little spent. It doesn’t serve either one of you to stick it out. You are just going to make them feel badly or push them away, and also, get yourself all riled up in the process. You can’t force someone to change and even if you do, it won’t stick, because they need to really want it themselves.
Here’s a tough pill to swallow- sometimes people never change. They don’t want to. They can’t. They don’t even see that there’s a problem. So, unless a good wheel spinning feels good to you, best to find a way to get to neutral, stat.
X
L.
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