Hey. So, ironically, if too weak bothers me, it might feel confusing that so does too strong, or more accurately, too egoic. Sadly, it’s often the too strong that attach themselves to the too weak. This makes perfect, tragic sense, because those folks are just looking for someone to heel. To attend to their every want and whim. To bow down. To revere their greatness.
I don’t think that I need to say this, but in case there is any confusion at all, I want to be clear that I am not talking about people who have a healthy self-esteem. At all. I find the ability to feel genuinely good about oneself an admirable trait. There is absolutely nothing wrong with carrying yourself with confidence. At all. I often aspire to be that way, particularly when it comes to my romantic relationships.
I am talking about a person who doesn’t want to just shine but has a deep-seated desire to take over the room. Being good is not enough, as they need to be the absolute best. They are threatened by anyone in the same stratosphere, and they are not afraid to make that insecurity known, through strong-arming and bullying tactics.
I will often refer to this person as the bull in a china shop. Someone who has no audience awareness and is mostly incapable of acknowledging the strengths and successes of others, absent spotlighting their own. Things will mostly feel like a competition with folks who are like this, unless you decide to give in and let them say all the things where you remain mostly silent. The only valid opinion is the one that aligns with their own and it is truly a matter of ‘if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything, ever’.
I believe that I am not often this person within the confines of my personal life. The place where I struggle with coming across too strong is work. I will, from time to time, find myself formulating a position on some situation or topic, and it’s hard for me to not be relentless in my pursuit for buy-in or support. Of course, there are times when this approach is necessary. There is no room for kid gloves when it comes to many areas of compliance. And yet, I’ve still learned to find an approach that is firm but more user-friendly. I’ve come to recognize that when you meet people where they are at, and try and work with them from that angle, you are more likely to gain an ally. You know, the whole ‘get more bees with honey’ jazz.
That doesn’t mean you allow yourself to be abused by that person. That merely means that you work it a little. Appeal to their ego and inflated sense of self in a way that serves your purpose and offers you the greatest amount of protection one can have in these situations.
I have a gentleman (ahem, more than one, but only one example is really warranted I think) that I work with who has a massive ego. Gigantic. He’s smart and all, but there’s nothing spectacular enough about who he is as a person to justify the way in which he navigates in the world. I don’t shrink in his presence, but I also don’t take him on. I don’t see any need to go head-to-head. That would be an exhausting and unnecessary battle of the wills. I navigate. Deftly. I don’t kiss his ass and tell him how amazing he is, but I approach areas that require discussion or action in a way that is more palatable.
The trick here is that you have to set aside your ego (however little) to engage in this way. You have to recognize that you are not diminished as a person when you make the decision to work around someone else’s grandiosity. I am not acknowledging that he is the ruler of the universe, I am just not in the practice of challenging him to a duel. You know what I mean?
I know that it’s not my own sharp elbows that really make me cringe in the face of this human. It’s the fact that I’ve been repeatedly destroyed by this personality. I have failed to defend myself appropriately. I have failed to recognize all the ways in which I am being irreparably destroyed, until it’s too late and I’m decimated. I have failed myself more times than I can count in the face of this personality, and so, it scares the shit out of me.
Of course, I’m not scared enough to detach completely. Oh no. I wish that were the case, but it isn’t. Instead, I’ve tested myself over and over again. I want to be clear that there is some validity in the test. It’s the same as a food allergy that the doctor tells you that you likely grew out of. They will tell you to gently and mindfully introduce the food back into your diet. Baby steps, to see if your system can handle the thing that you once considered to be poisonous and dreadful. You will also be forced, and I would even go so far as to encourage you, to engage with difficult people much in the same way. I mean sure, avoid them when you can, but we all know that’s not always possible. So, give yourself small and meaningful goals, rules of engagement, and see where you are at. Don’t throw yourself right into the deep end. I don’t think anything good ever comes of that.
I want to throw in a last little thought here. There are times where this personality is in front of me, and I understand they aren’t good for me, and then all my self-doubt comes flooding to the surface. I tell myself that I am being too harsh and too judgmental and too weak and too everything.
However, I’ve learned two critical lessons, as follows: when those moments of doubt arise, I can shut out the world and dig deep and tap into my gut, and even if I’m wrong, if there’s something in the situation that’s making me uneasy, there’s nothing wrong with separating. At all. The worst-case scenario is that I’ve backed away from some interaction that’s troubling me for some inexplicable reason. That’s okay. I have nothing to prove. Maybe I’ll sort it all out at some point, or maybe I won’t. Either way is just fine. You know?
Despite evidence and shouting to the contrary, a small circle that makes you feel utterly yourself at all times is really the way to go. I promise.
X
L.
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