Happy hump day. I’ve definitely gotten into this next troubling personality before. Unquestionably. I know that I have, because it’s the personality or behavior that hurts me the most. I use both descriptors, because there are people who are this way, and there are also folks who use this behavior as a weapon. Do you know who I’m talking about yet? That’s right, it’s those who are cold.
When I first started fleshing out this discussion, I jotted down a bullet point that read ‘too cold’ and then I realized that isn’t entirely accurate where I’m concerned. If I am laying myself bare, I will tell you that I’m not sure there’s any temperature on that part of the thermometer that I can handle. I cannot bear when people are cold.
There are so many examples of this personality and behavior that it’s almost hard for me to choose, but I’m sure I’ll find my way. I have no doubt that you’ve run into this human or this exchange before. Hell, maybe you’ve been this person. In the spirit of being a real human here, I can admit that in response to others’ coldness, I’ve lowered my temperature a bit. I do think I’m really fucking bad at it, and it makes me extremely uncomfortable, but it’s not entirely beneath me. It’s just mostly out of character.
I want to first talk about the person with a colder personality. I don’t love this personality, but I do love some folks who happen to have this personality. I know, that felt a bit confusing. I am warm. Hot. Steaming. I am an emotional person. I might keep things close to the vest, but there is a lot going on below the surface. And when it comes to those closest to me? They know just have smooshy I can be.
Okay, we now know what a mush I am. Who cares? Well, I do, and it’s meaningful to this chat. I know some folks, in fact, I am related to some folks, who are a little colder. Actually, I am close to some who can be downright frigid. One might say they have a choice, but I beg to differ. In knowing these folks, the way that I do, I will tell you that they were born this way. Not only are they not trying to put something out there that isn’t totally organic and real, but they also have very little ability to change it.
I’m sorry to make this comparison, because it will read pretty harsh, but it’s the best example I can think of. I know that the Tin Man intended to ask the Wizard for a heart, but I think we all know where that was going to end up. At the end of the day, if you are born with a bunch of metal, you are going to have to work with what you got. I think that feedback from loved ones can help shift the dynamic, whereas those individuals are a little more sensitive, but generally speaking, they are who they are and that, is that.
So, where the personality is concerned, I will often say that the best approach is to keep your expectations based in reality and not ask something of that person that they are incapable of giving. In fact, I might even suggest calling upon that person’s detachment when you might need it. For example, I have a good friend who’s a little cooler in disposition. When I know I’m wallowing or overreacting or staying stuck, I will often give her a ring. I know she’s apt to give me the real deal truth. A splash of cold water in the face. And sometimes, that’s exactly what I need. She gets me right back to myself. In the same way, if I’m feeling down, I avoid her like the plague. I love her, but I know that I am not in any place to hear what she has to offer.
Now I need to get to the other part of this, which is those who wield coldness as a planned attack. Ignoring. Short answers. Passive aggressive interplay. Deliberate reactions that are dismissive and cruel. This is absolutely other worldly to me. Like I said, I’ve definitely stooped and responded in turn to an attack that comes at me, but honestly, I hate myself for it. That’s the truth. It feels like shit. I usually fold and acknowledge my behavior and ask to fix things. We’ve discussed that before, for sure, my desire to fix. To make nice. To break the silence or the wall.
The scariest part about this behavior is that while it can come from people who aren’t the nicest, there is no innate correlation between the two. So, there are people that are generally pretty nice, but their coping strategy or defense mechanism is wholly steeped in their ability to freeze people out. I suppose there is some part of me that commends them for that kind of fortitude. As I just explained, I usually fold. It typically makes me uncomfortable when people behave that way and when that becomes our interaction, so I seek to rectify it in whatever way I can.
Of course, that usually means taking responsibility for everything and anything (including that which I am not responsible for), which is often the goal of the other human. They want out of some situation and the easiest thing they can do is take you to your knees and so, they do. Of course, the only way this works is if the person on the other end of it is like me. If not, the exchange becomes an endless game of chicken and a question of who will fold first.
It’s really tough navigating around and through this behavior, and I’ve found that there are only two solutions. One, take a giant step back when the person starts to act that way. The more you engage, the more they dig in. Just back off entirely. Don’t be cold. Just give things time to relax and when you come back to the situation, be your warm and normal self. Not solicitous. Not self-aggrandizing. Just you. No apologies. I hate to say it but pretending like nothing ever happened. This is the one situation where I condone such behavior. The other option? Call them out on their shit. If you are going this way, you have to be prepared for them to either double-down or get way more aggressive, but it can be worth it. Sometimes it can be incredibly gratifying looking right at a person and saying ‘fuck you, knock it off’.
Either way, stay cool. Not cold. Just cool.
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