Do people pleasers intimidate you? They freak me out. I’ve talked about this before, but it’s front of mind, so let’s do this. I flip my shit when faced with people pleasers because I experience so many emotions at once. Frustration, jealousy, confusion, rage, sadness. All of it. A smorgasbord of feelings. Worst of all- I tend to feel inadequate.
Crazy, right? But true. In the face of someone who is relentlessly committed to other people’s comfort and pleasure- I’m profoundly aware of my missing chip. I’m deeply conscious that I am a person who stomps past that awareness on my way to point proving. I can’t seem to get out of my own way. The same applies to personal and professional people pleasing. The art of bowing down is equitable in its application.
It’s true that I often express distaste with people pleasing, claiming that it fucks the rest of us. How can I freely be a grumpy, miserable, unsatisfied bitch when YOU are just making sure everyone else is a-ok? How can I ignore that email sent needlessly on a Saturday to prove a point when YOU hastily respond? How can I ignore that gratuitous braggadocios social media post when YOU love it and comment with a “how awesome?!”
I mean, I can. But the truth is that I can’t, because now I feel like a right shit. You are a shining example of a polite, thoughtful human. A living incarnation of “the bigger person” and I am a curmudgeonly troll. I am spiteful and incapable of being happy for others- just because.
Okay, this is something of an exaggeration, but not major. It’s pretty close to spot on. And yes, this means that I regularly have the desire to squish other people to stop feeling like such a turd. You know, a good ol’ all hands in the middle of the circle, let’s be authentically who we are without the pressure of external validation, BREAK. Go us.
But I can’t do that. I will never be able to change the people pleasers. Not only will I fail, but I will assuredly come across looking like a real mean girl in the process. I can hear the resounding, unified chants of “you do you” in the background. In fact, it would not surprise me if my aggressive push to end all ass kissing turned into an invitation to take things up a notch. Oh, you don’t like my grand efforts towards winning the hearts and minds of everyone, everywhere, well- buckle up. It’s about to get a whole lot more suffocating up in this piece.
So, what then? How do I navigate if I can’t change others? How do I sit with the reality that I will always be surrounded by people who burn with a desire to make others happy, irrespective of their own needs and wants and wishes?
Tune it out? Maybe. Probs not. Get salty? Sure, maybe a little. Have compassion? Eventually. Keep on doing things exactly as I am apt to do? 100% yes. Always. Live with feeling a little crabby and less than from time to time? Yeah. Recognize that my insecurity is a by-product of a misguided and antiquated societal doctrine and not beneficial? Yup.
That sounds like a lovely meme and all, but are these revelations really that easy to come to? No. There’s a lot of stomach churning and tongue biting and resentment and tear pooling. But, like all growth- the calm comes in time. The ability to breathe your way through witnessing martyrdom does reveal itself with enough practice.
What does practice look like? Well. It looks like deep breaths. It looks like acknowledging we are all different and some people need validation and approval to survive (that’s right- not thrive, but survive). It looks like understanding that even when there are many on the other side of the aisle, progress can still be made by those dedicated to the cause.
I still have days where I wish I was born with the helix that enables that special kind of self-sacrifice, but they are few and far between. And as far as I’m concerned, that’s a victory, and not a small one.
People won’t like me and I’ll be labeled as pushy and I’ll have many, many moments where I trigger disappointment, but I’ll never be ill-intended. I’ll never seek harming others, but I will also rigorously avoid self-harm and lies and pushing shit down to be dealt with at some unknown time.
So yeah, chew on that. Or don’t. Or do. Whatever, IDGAF.
Just kidding.
Sort of.
x
L.
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