I am consistently amazed at the way in which people separate themselves from the consequences of their actions or behavior. There are all different ways in which this phenomenon presents itself, but the outcome is the same. You have folks who are shocked, surprised, flabbergasted that something they did (or did they?) resulted in some outcome that feels less than stellar.
I’ve had this experience SO many times that it’s hard to decide which example to call upon. Although, one event happened most recently, so that’s an easier reach so far as I’m concerned. I had, on multiple occasions, advised colleagues that a particular situation [in my work life] would produce what I think of as an unfavorable, if not dire, consequence at some point. I whined and waxed poetically and waved my hands to no avail. I explained, in the least offensive way possible, that the resistance to shifting that particular paradigm would be detrimental to other processes, productivity and even our ability to execute safely.
It didn’t matter. I was screaming into a fierce wind. I could share all the reasons why I think I wasn’t listened to, and sure, some of them include sexism and marginalization and all that jazz. I think that’s a part of it, but I also think that humans generally prefer to divorce themselves from the resulting actions connected to their behavior because to do otherwise is too restrictive.
Remember when chain restaurants started putting calorie counts on menus and everyone freaked the fuck out? Most objections that were raised to me revolved around the newfound difficulty in enjoying something that was previously savored with the ever-present fact pattern of horrifying nutritional information. There was no reflection on the notion that the nutritional information had always been the same, and yet, a lack of curiosity blocked true awareness. None. Ignorance is truly bliss.
I know, I know, food again. But it’s a good bucket to dip into for examples. I feel the same way when someone will be offered food and when the offering party starts to advise what’s in said food item, the recipient quickly protests. “Oh no,” they exclaim. “Don’t tell me or I won’t want to try it.” This is the equivalent of someone explaining that the psychology is too profound to tackle, so it’s easier to go in blindfolded. The less information, the better.
It’s perhaps to my detriment that I’ve always been a different kind of gal. I want to know everything. Always. Give me all the information and let me weigh the risk against the reward. Let me understand the stakes. Let me think and overthink and ponder and sometimes, circle the drain. I mean, sure, I’ve definitely had moments where I opted to look away and pretend like things were gold, but in the end, I did so while recognizing that this too would bite me at some point. I KNEW that I would have to pay the piper at a future date. I just wanted to delay gratification, or in those cases, pain.
That’s not what I’m talking about here. I’m not referring to folks who want to kick the proverbial can down the road. It’s foolish, because as I know firsthand, that kind of behavior catches up with you, BUT I get it. I’m talking about people who can literally disassociate. They remove themselves so significantly from the end game that when it arrives, they are absolutely dumb struck and often, looking for someone to blame.
This is usually where I enter stage left (or right, or any which way). I am often the victim of the finger-pointing exercise. Let’s be clear right off the bat that I am not trying to suggest that I’m perfect and should never be held accountable for anything. Oh no, I am not intimating anything of the sort. What I’m saying is that there are many, many situations where despite my attempts to point to the iceberg clearly in view, everyone yells ‘full steam ahead.’ Titanic all the way.
Historically, I’ve spent a lot of time trying to find ways to extricate myself from the blame game. I have qualified and caveated and documented. The sad part is that those activities are usually an exercise in futility. It doesn’t matter. Why? Well, the folks that are desperately searching for someone to hold accountable aren’t grounded in anything close to reality. They will look straight at a fact and tell you that it’s a lie. They’ve created a shield or forcefield around themselves to protect the fantasy they’ve created and the fuck you’re going to destroy that. They’ll wait for the world to crumble around them before they ever take a look at themselves and any role they played. Actually, I’m being too generous. Some will stand in the middle of rubble and ashes and still shrug their shoulders and ponder who fucked everything up.
Well, this is all pretty sad. What then? What now? How do we go from here? Well, first and foremost, I’m trying to understand how to react when I come into contact with these fantastical individuals. Whether I meet them at the beginning of their delve into a non-reality or at the end of it all, I want to understand how to maintain my sanity and sense of self and tiptoe out of all of it with as few scars as possible.
Here are a few thoughts I have:
- Don’t argue. The exercise they’ve engaged in is usually so pervasive and their psyche so damaged, that an argument will only escalate things. Think bigger, not better.
- Don’t agree to take the blame to make it go away. Even though accepting responsibility to smooth things over feels like a good idea, it will only make things worse. Trust me. I know, weird. Don’t argue but don’t solve. So, do nothing?
- Yes. Do nothing. Just deep breathe. Take a step back. Participate in helping solve the problem if you can. Separate emotionally from the lunacy as best you can. Laugh at the ridiculousness. Tread lightly.
- Oh, and don’t tell someone how many calories are in their cookie. They don’t give a fuck. At all. And they’ll be mad that you told them. And then, they’ll eat the cookie and feel gross and it will be your fault, not the cookie maker’s fault.
I know, this may not seem revolutionary or contrary from your seat. Maybe these bits of advice are intuitive. Great. I’ve found that logic doesn’t prevail in these situations, so it helps to have a game plan and a back up plan and an emotional separation plan. All of the above.
x
L.
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