Recently, a co-worker of mine, a man, was seemingly trying to defend my honor and advised me that he told another man, who is employed by a vendor we work with, that “to say my panties were in a bunch would be an understatement.” I was honestly speechless. I could spend time telling you how I’m not a raging feminist and I don’t really mind someone, a man, standing up for me (not in lieu of my voice or courage, but in addition), but that’s not really the point. At all.
I can’t say I adore the word panties, but also, it doesn’t give me the creeps in the way that it seems to offend others. It’s the overarching theme. The ‘hysterical female’ bullshit that I am honestly so over that there are barely words for it (hence the inability to speak).
Let’s get specific, shall we?
I was not in any way hysterical. I was upset, and rightfully so. I’m not going to delve into specifics. You are just going to have to trust me on this one.
The “ask” made of me, to which I was responding, was completely unreasonable and rather than operating as a unified front, this co-worker of mine decided to bridge the gap by throwing me squarely under a bus. I will admit that I know there are times when this is necessary. Not the human sacrifice portion, but the good-cop, bad-cop bit. The part where it feels easier for my male colleague to lean into long-held and deeply flawed gender biases and stereotypes, rather than, I dunno, standing up for me.
I would have actually preferred that he explain to my face why he didn’t agree with me, and we could contemplate how to navigate from that point. That wasn’t the case though. Not at all. Rather, he advised me directly that he was on my side and then, chose that approach to convey our message to the third party. Our message? His message. Truly. Like: hey everyone, she’s a loon, so tread lightly.
I’m so fucking sick of it. And the saddest part is that this approach is so in-line with the way that we operate as a society, that no one batted an eyelash. There wasn’t the slightest ripple in the universe. No one would think to query whether it makes sense for me, an accomplished, hard-working professional, to have an irrational response to a request. No one would give me the benefit of the doubt. And the backing down? That would only occur to soothe my frayed and tender nerves. No one would move off a request because it was deemed out of line or offensive.
I know I talk about this a lot, but I think I’m going to keep talking about it until something changes. I know that’s the case. I’m so unbelievably outraged that this goes on. And to be clear, it’s not just men who perpetuate this nonsense. I have female colleagues and friends and people I just know who lean into the same horseshit. They are constantly excusing behavior by explaining that someone is sensitive or doesn’t understand or needs a nap or needs a break.
Here’s the thing, I’m not some menstrual cycle driven science experiment. Am I emotional? You bet your ass I am. Sensitive? More than most. Does any of that have anything to do with the response that I was giving in that moment? Absolutely not. Not even a little teeny, tiny bit. Nope.
I was thinking entirely rational. I had my work hat on, and that hat, my friends, is fucking glued to my head when I step through the door. This doesn’t mean that I never have an emotional response to what goes on at work, because I do. It simply means that I don’t let crossover occur. I count to ten. I take a breath. I take a beat. I call a friend. My rage or sadness is not permitted to enter the field. In fact, there are times that I’ve actually short-changed my own emotional state to keep my eye on the prize. I tell myself that I’ll soothe my wounded soul later, but it is not a time for such things.
The very instance that started this diatribe was one such situation. I so badly wanted to tell this guy off. I so desperately wanted to explain to him why his narrative was offensive and deeply flawed, and why his approach was revolting and damaging to me as a co-worker, woman, and human. I didn’t though. Mostly because I just wanted to move on. I wanted to get the show on the road. I wanted to finish the project, and in that moment, having these folks back down because they thought of me as a hot steaming mess of X chromosomes was a sacrifice I was willing to make.
I shouldn’t have to, though. I shouldn’t have to eat shit so that all the male egos involved in this process could be on their merry way. I shouldn’t have to be the lamb that is sacrificed for the sake of maintaining professionalism as part of the process I was involved in. I mean, the professional standard was already way below where it should be. Their behavior (on both sides) was juvenile, unprofessional, and disrespectful. And yet, all that occurred was seemingly the path of least resistance.
And the thing is, I think that this happens more often than not. I think this happens for women and minorities and members of the LGBTQIA+ community. I think we tell ourselves that it’s easier to just let sleeping dogs lie. WE don’t want to be the challenging ones. We don’t want to be difficult. We just want to keep our heads down and do our jobs. Everyone will think that we don’t have a sense of humor. We will only seek to reinforce the terrible things they are already saying about us. Even if we say something, it will alienate everyone and then, nothing will change. What is the point? Where will that road lead?
I get it. I’ve done it. I did it. I will do it in the future. The thing is, it’s not okay. It’s not okay that he did it, that they did it, and it’s less okay that I let it happen. I said something to my co-worker, but it was minor, and I never addressed it with the whole group.
They hurt me but then, I hurt me.
They can do better, but then, so should I. Right?
X
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