There’s this thing people do, I’ve found. This thing where they try and contextualize and compare your pain. They think that explaining how others have suffered in a similar fashion will somehow radically change your feelings. It doesn’t though, not really.
I mean, it does in the sense that you can avoid some level of catastrophizing. You can keep some modicum of perspective that even when things feel bad, perhaps they are not as bad as they feel. It’s the ever popular “it could always be worse” principle. There is something to be said for that, but also, it’s shitty. Right? I know I’ve mentioned this before, too. It’s just crappy. When you are having an emotional reaction to something, it’s nice to be able to just sit in your feels sometimes, without the pressure to reframe.
I noticed recently that I spend a lot of time trying to convince myself that I’m overreacting. In fairness, I have quite a few people around me that echo that sentiment and so, it’s not a stretch. I am too emotional, too sensitive. I just need to relax. I just need to set better boundaries. I just need to be better, to do better.
Sometimes I just need a break. Sometimes I just need to let myself feel my feels. Sometimes I need to sit in the drama of self-pity for a moment.
All of that said, I had an interesting chat with a colleague this afternoon where he sympathetically listened to me but then told me that I DO have to consider boundaries. I felt tired hearing it, but more receptive than when others share this advice. He didn’t sound frustrated or judgmental. He sounded concerned, for my well-being. This was a change.
He wasn’t telling me to suck it up, or that it’s just work. He was just imploring me to find a way to create some space from the situation to preserve my peace. He understands that there is no message that I am going to send with my behavior. This has been going on for too long. On some level, perhaps I was complicit. And now, there is very little that I can do to shift the perception. But I can find space where I allow myself to be, away from the chaos of unreasonable expectations and cruel behavior.
My life is good. I have a job that pays me a nice salary. I have a beautiful little apartment. I have some really close friends and a beautiful family. I get to travel and go out to eat and attend all kinds of cultural events. I have so much gratitude for this life I have. But I also feel disappointed. I also crave something different than what I am living in today. I also recognize that part of what I’m dealing with has everything to do with the decisions I’ve made along the way.
People I allowed to treat me a certain way, spaces that have made me uncomfortable that I’ve continued to sit in, and a choice to repeatedly make my needs smaller to suit someone else’s way of doing things. I own that. And still, don’t I get to be a little sad? Can I have a moment where I get to lick my wounds and have regrets and just be a little blue and maybe cranky?
This particular reaction was triggered by a decision that was recently made to me, or maybe for me. Something was decided and I was expected to go along to get along. I was expected to be a good soldier because that’s who I’ve always been. I’ve always been someone who just does the right thing. Sure, I’m loud and pushy and opinionated, but also, I get done what is asked of me. I shrink and grow and change and move in the way that suits others and their needs. And for that reason, there was no hesitation in asking this thing of me. I know that I am not unique in the ask that was made, but mine feels particularly personal because they’ve already taken so much.
They’ve already asked so much of me that this feels like the final straw. This feels like an ask that is so above and beyond other asks that I find myself wondering if there is anything else that I can take. I find myself pondering whether I can still remain the person I’ve always been. Mostly because that has always been my greater fear- changing because of their treatment. I’ve always wanted to grow and learn, but I’ve deeply feared turning into a person who is angry or bitter. I fear turning into a no person or a punter. And yes, I KNOW that I’m not that person and also, it’s challenging to maintain kindness and equanimity in the face of all of it.
It’s really hard to trust when everyone has shown you that they are inherently untrustworthy. It’s hard to celebrate any win when you know that it always comes at some cost. It’s hard to get excited about the future when the present feels tenuous and challenging.
I am not talking about life generally. I am speaking of one particular part of life. One rather time consuming and important part, but still, a slice. And I want to put that slice in its respective place. I want to know that I can look at that slice from afar and know that I’ll move through all of this and maybe make some good, meaningful changes and figure it out.
And it starts by giving myself permission to feel shitty.
I do, feel shitty.
And there are worse things.
And I do have gratitude.
And I still feel shitty.
So let yourself feel that way, if you need it. Consider this your permission. Be pissed at whoever made you feel that way. Cry. Scream. Ignore everyone for a moment. Feel like you deserve better.
Then, dusty yourself and move on. That’s all that we can do, really.
X
L.
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